The 10 Strip Club Commandments

Strip clubs can be a fun and sexy experience. However, there are some mistakes that many people make when they go. I've compiled a list of dos and (mostly) donts that will make your next visit more enjoyable. So pay attention as I unveil the 10 Strip Club Commandments.

1. Thou Shalt Not Fall in Love With The Strippers
This is a common rookie mistake. The thing to remember is that this is a job for the ladies. Their job is to get as much money from you as possible. Some guys take the sexual attention the wrong way. Just because she says you are cute doesn't mean that she wants to take you home. Dancers would tell Shabba Ranks that he looks like Morris Chesnut to get an extra $20. They are there to dance and that's it. Don't let it go to your head.
2. Thou Shalt Not Spend Your Rent Money
Whenever you go to a strip club, it's a good idea to budget how much you plan to spend. If you can afford $100, that's all you should bring to the club. You don't want to be put out on the street because Desire was shaking her ass in front of you. Porsha is not going to feed your family. And seriously, do you really want to explain to your girl that you can't take her out to eat because Destiny took your last $20? I think not. Be smart about it and don't spend more than you can afford.
3. Thou Shalt Not Touch The Dancer (unless she touches you first)
Some dancers will let you touch. Some dancers wont. A good rule of thumb to follow is to let them take the lead. If a girl is standing 5 feet in front of you, her body language is saying "hands off muhfucka." Then you have the ones that will grind directly on your lap or grab your hands and put them where she wants them. Those are my favorites. Sometimes she will put her breasts near your mouth, but don't fall for that. Do not under any circumstances lick her nipple. That will get you kicked out the club faster than Twista raps.
4. Thou Shalt Not Pay Attention To The DJ
At just about every strip club I've been to, the DJ talks shit. Don't let that affect your good time. While he makes his gay jokes and berates the patrons for not tipping, stay focused on the reason you came: naked ladies. After all, you paid your cover charge and you can do whatever you want. Don't let the fear of embarassment cause you to get pressured into tipping a girl you don't want.
5. Thou Shalt Not Get Drunk
Getting drunk at a strip club is a risky prospect. Firstly, the alcohol may cause you to spend more money than you wanted to. You know what they say about lowered inhibitions. Secondly, if your in an inebriated state, you are far more likely to do something stupid like touch the wrong dancer. You don't want to go that route. Finally, the money that you will spend on drinks could be put to far better use by buying a table dance. Why should you tip fully dressed waitresses and bartenders when you could tip the dancers. I would suggest drinking beer. It costs less than liquor and you have a much greater chance of staying sober.
6. Thou Shalt Not Use Plastic
Another common rookie mistake. Don't bring your credit or debit card into a strip club. All that's going to do is create an electronic trail of your whereabouts. Imagine your wife's surprise when she gets the monthly bill and sees a $500 charge to a strip club. Don't think you'll be out of the doghouse anytime soon. Hit up the ATM before you go the club. It's just smarter and also more fun to use cash. You can't put a credit card reciept in a dancer's G-string like you can with a dollar bill.
7. Thou Shall Pick Wisely
This one is very important. You know what you like. If you like short girls, get one. If you like bg booties, by all means pick that one. Nothing sucks worse than paying for a dance from a girl you are not attracted to. They are going to ask you for a dance, but please listen to Nancy Reagan: Just Say No! And if your dream girl is on the other side of the club, don't settle for the closest thing to you. You will not be satisfied. It also is not a good idea to get a dance from a girl because she reminds you of your girlfriend or wife. You can see that at home, you are paying for a new experience. Once you become a strip club pro like I am, you can spot the girls that are going to dance the freakiest and make sure that's who you pay for. You can also sample a variety of different skin tones and body types without repeating yourself. So pick wisely.
8. Thou Shalt Not Infringe On Your Boy's Dance
One of my pet peeves about strip clubs are guys (or girls) who don't buy their own dances. These characters will sit up in the club all night and not pay for anything. It is well within your right to do this, but if I am spending my hard earned money for a dance, don't stare at the girl like you paid for it. Keep your eyes on the stage; this is my table dance. And please, do not talk to me during my dance. I can't count how many times I've heard "hey man, that girl is bad" while I was getting a dance. I know she's bad, that's how come I'm paying. Leave me alone and get your own dance.
9. Thou Shalt Not Use Your Real Name
No good can come from using your real name. I've seen dudes give out their government name, phone number and place of employment to dancers. Why? This serves no purpose other than to potentially mess up your happy home. Imagine the scenario: Jake is chilling in Lennox Mall with his girl when Chocolate Tiger runs up on him hollering about "Jake when you coming back to the club." If he would have used a fake name, he could have at least chalked the situation up to mistaken identity, but now he's stuck. This also goes for email lists. Don't give them your real email address or you will be getting VIP passes and advertisments for the rest of your natural life. For some reason, you just can't unsubscribe from a strip club's mailing list no matter how hard you try. If you can't tell I have fallen victim to this ploy in the past. Bottom line is this: strippers don't use their real names so why should you?
10 Thou Shall Buy Your Boy A Dance
There are unspoken rules when going to a strip club with a friend. You gotta get him a dance. This is mandatory even if he has more money than you This shows that he is your friend and you will look out for him. The dancer has to be bad too. If you send him a dance from the obligitory ugly girl in the strip club, you are really saying "yeah, you my boy, but I don't really like yo ass." It's a good look to have a banging stripper dancing for you with someone else's money. If you get your boy a dance, and he doesn't do the same for you, cut that cat off, cuz he is a moocher and you're better off going to the club by yourself.

Follow these rules and your next strip club experience can become your best strip club experience. One other thing to remember is that there will be many female customers in the strip club. Usually they are there just to have a good time, and not to find a man. Leave them alone and focus on the girls that you know will be taking their clothes off. If you are looking to meet women, you should check out a regular club. But if you are looking to have a good time in the strip club, follow the 10 Strip Club Commandments.

It was written...