Tuesday, March 07, 2006


Inspiration - "Friends" - Whodini "Friends is a word we use everyday/Most the time we use it in the wrong way/Now you can look the word up, again and again/But the dictionary doesnt know the meaning of friends/And if you ask me, you know, I couldnt be much help/Because a friend is somebody you judge for yourself/Some are ok, and they treat you real cool/But some mistake kindness for bein a fool

What I'm Listening To - "21 & Over" - Tha Alkaholiks

Question(s) I asked myself today - "How many times can I be late for work before they start noticing?"

Today's post is all about the friends. If any of you are reading this, I apologize in advance for putting your business out there. I'm leaving out names to protect as much as your anonymity as I can. But this is my forum for being able to talk about things. I feel sometimes that friendship is not always what its cracked up to be. I feel the pull to revert into my old loner self because the unnecessary drama is getting to me. My real life people reading this, don't ask me who I am talking about, because I am not going to tell you.

First of all, I don't have (m)any male friends. The last time I had a guy I could consider a real friend and not just someone I go to the strip club with was about 5 years ago. Therefore, for the purpose of this post, all of the friends are going to be women. To me, its just easier to share thoughts and feelings with a woman. And you get a better perspective on things besides, "you should f*ck that girl." But friendship with a female also presents its own set of unique problems.

Case in point, I have a friend now that I think is using me as a substitute for her man. She wants me to go with her to all the places he wont go. She seems to get jealous when I hang out with other friends. She gets upset if I disagree with her. The other day, she asked me to go to the mall with her and if you read my pet peeves post you know I don't do shopping with women. It's like we are boyfriend - girlfriend only without the f*cking.

I'm also finding myself caught in the middle of a situation between 2 mutual friends. Now, being the man that I am, I'm still cool with both of them. Your beef ain't got nothing to do with me. In fact, it ain't no thing for me to hang out with one on Friday and the other on Saturday. The messed up part is that we used to all hang out together and now I almost have to walk on eggshells to avoid creating a stressful situation. Now neither one has asked me to choose, but I feel the unspoken pressure to pick one friend over the other and I'm simply not going to do that. I'm still holding out hope that they can get their sh*t together. This is one of the pitfalls with being friends with women. In my experience, they seem to have falling outs over petty stuff and then I get stuck in the middle.

I recently had been doing some thinking, and I've come to realize that I have a couple of friendships that are pretty one sided. I'm always there to listen to their problems but I don't think they are on that same level with me. I think that I am just a natural listener and I don't like to talk about myself. I've revealed more about myself in this blog than I do in real life. That being said, if a situation arises that I need to talk about, I don't know that some of my friends really understand where I am coming from. It's a really momentous day when I actually ask someone for advice, partly because I am fiercely independent and partly because I am a really guarded person. (Some would say that I have a fear of intimacy, but that's a whole 'nother post.) For example, a while back when I was having some girl trouble, it kind of got dismissed as "oh, T.'s trying to be a pimp." That kinda f*cked with me, because I am far from the player type. I'm the guy who has 2 and 3 year relationships, and for them to reduce what I was going through to that showed me that they don't really know me.

Before you start thinking that these problems are all my friends doing, I have to acknowledge my part in this. I can sometimes be a bad friend. I freely admit that I spread myself too thin. There's just not enough of T. to go around and I find myself neglecting them sometimes. One of the things I am working on is learning how to balance my relationships. I am guilty in the past of putting friends to the side in favor of a woman. I've lost too many friends by pulling a disappearing act when I get in a relationship. I'm gonna try to make sure when the time comes that I don't do that again. I also have a knack for saying the right thing at the wrong time. In my quest to help them out, I can sometimes come across as insensitive. I have to realize that even though they need to know the truth, I have to come up with a better way of saying it.

So there's the saga with my friends. I'm writing this because I need to express what I'm thinking before I do the easy thing and just become a loner (again.) Friendships are very rewarding and necessary, but I still struggle with letting people get close enough to know the real me. That's another thing I'll have to work on. Aiight, enough thinking for one morning, I gotta get to work.

It was written...


Blogger nikki said...

you make excellent points. you definitely shouldn't kick your friends to the curb once you find yourself in a romantic relationship. that said, if you have quality friends who give just as much to the relationship as you do, then you probably wouldn't be so quick to dismiss them once you have a girlfriend.

i think you have great people in your life. however, they should recognize that as your friend, it's important for them to provide just as much support for you as you do for them. in other words, you letting them know here that you will be demanding more from them as friends is a big move, cuz you deserve more plain and simple. frankly, i think they'll step up to the plate. i doubt you surround yourself with anything other than quality sistas.

Tue Mar 07, 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Unsaid said...

yeah true nikki...on the quality sistas part lol...anyway... i feel you on the realization of one-sided relationships so it really is a matter of seeing those relationships for what they are and then deciding if you want to participate in them anymore. I thought this post was going to be about the most recent Boondocks where Huey got headbutted by his "best-friend". It's similar though. I suggest not doing the loner thing unless you want to worm your way back in when you are in need of a friend.

I think most friendships exist because people need something from eachother. Maybe if you feel your friendships are one-sided it's because you realize that you don't require anything from anyone else. Which I think is a good position to be in. I hope you don't write people off yet for not coming to the same realization.

Tue Mar 07, 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger ScarlettRae said...

I concur with Nikki and Unsaid. True frienships will stand the test of these trials and you'll marvel at the strong bond you've built. After reading your blog, it's clear that you and I are a lot alike and reading your thoughts has given me some much needed clarity.


Tue Mar 07, 05:18:00 PM  
Blogger NegroPino™ said...

Sadly I consider myself to have friends, both male and female. But Im the type that is isolated and doesn't like to be bothered wiht until I'm ready therefore I miss things like birthday parties, christenings, holidays, etc. When I have problems, like U but when I want solace and comfort I resort to my blog or my online buddies. SOmetimes I felt like i was in a relationship with some of my female friends and would hafta lie to them. and GOd FOrbid I be with my man, they woulf FLIP out. SO that's why I stay far away until I wanna be bothered. ANd Im with you, I dont shop with them broads.

Wed Mar 08, 09:16:00 AM  
Blogger chele said...

I feel you on this. I have many more male friends than female friends. It's just easier that way. I am the natural listener so when I need someone to listen to me sometimes my friends think I'm just playing. So when I need to get something off my chest I tend to revert to writing in my journal or spilling my guts in blogland.

Wed Mar 08, 01:58:00 PM  

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