Who's The Black Sheep?
Inspiration - Black Sheep "The Choice is Yours" "Who's the Black Sheep, what's the Black Sheep?/Don't know who I am, or when I'm coming so you sleep/Wasn't in my room, wasn't in my sphere/Knew not who I was, but listen here/Dres, D-R-E-S, yes I get suckers start/If it's all right with you, I'll rip this here one apart/Back, Middle, to the front, don't front/Wanna a good time, gonna give you what you want/Can I hear a hey? [Hey!]/Now get a yo! [Yo!]You gotta hat? [Huh!] It's for the hoes [Oh!]"
What I'm Listening To - Clipse "I Got It 4 Cheap vol 1 and 2"
Question(s) I Asked Myself Today - "Is my family reading this blog like I think they are?" If so, they are just gonna have to be mad. Besides, I didnt tell you about the blog, so read at your own risk.
I love my family. I really do. But right about now, I think I am the black sheep. There's some stuff that's getting on my nerves right now. My brother is getting married in the next couple of weeks and for some reason, they seem to think that its my responsibility to help pay for the wedding. A little background first:
I have always looked out for my little brother. When he was in high school, I always made sure he had some spending change. True, I was making damn near minimum wage, but I made sure that I looked out for him. $20 here and there, if he wanted a CD or some new clothes, I was there for him. That's what older brothers are supposed to do, right? As the years went on, this pattern continued. He looked to his older brother to bail him out of situations, and I happily obliged. Back in 2002, he moved in with me because he was in between jobs and I was glad to help out. He was supposed to stay for a short time, but it turned into 18 months of him sleeping on my couch, eating up all my food and not paying any bills. During this period, I gave (it was supposed to be lend) him unknown amounts of money. If I actually sat down and totalled it all up, I would just get frustrated. I finally had to put a stop to it, and make him get his own apartment for my sanity.
Even after he moved, I still supported him financially whenever those inevitable jams came up. He always had a key to my apartment, and an open invitation to come over whenever he needed. I mean, I kicked him out of my crib, but not out of my life. We were still cool, and even though I knew I would never get any of my money back, I didn't really care. Something last summer changed my perspective. We were in my cousin's wedding in Dallas,(that's a funny story I need to tell one day) and I fronted the hotel room and tuxedo rental for him supposedly because he didn't have a credit card. He promised that he would give me the money back the following week. But when the time came, there were always excuses. I aint the type who is gonna harrass someone to get my money back, but I have yet to see a penny of that $400. A couple of other incidents happened in September that I will leave out for brevity's sake. I decided then, that the financial portion of our relationship was over. No more lending him money, cuz I would never get it back and he needed to be responsible for himself.
Fast forward to the present day. He is getting married on the 19th and they aren't finished paying for everything. I got a call asking for money. I'm not going to do that. I have supported him long enough. And isn't getting married the time for you to be the man? I don't feel comfortable giving him any money. When he called me, I asked him "don't you have a job? aren't you living with our sister now?" I did this without my trademark sarcasm, I was dead serious. I don't really understand how a 27 year old with no responsibilities can be asking me for money for his wedding. I'll do whatever else he needs me to do, but I am not paying for his wedding.
Then Friday night, I get a call from my mother basically asking me to help out. To be honest, I was taken aback that she would even ask me, because I have gone above and beyond the duty with not just him, but my whole family. I am the one they come to when they need money. I ain't rich by any means, but I always give without any qualms. I had to explain to her what I explained to my brother almost a year ago. I am not giving him any more money. I understand there is a good reason to, but theres always a good reason. My mother tried to lay a whole guilt trip on me about family and my responsiblities but I didnt budge. You may think I'm being mean and holding on to old shit, but this is how I feel. You can tell me I'm right or wrong, but it really wont change my mind. I'm comfortable being Black Sheep for awhile. I just needed to vent.
It was written...
What I'm Listening To - Clipse "I Got It 4 Cheap vol 1 and 2"
Question(s) I Asked Myself Today - "Is my family reading this blog like I think they are?" If so, they are just gonna have to be mad. Besides, I didnt tell you about the blog, so read at your own risk.
I love my family. I really do. But right about now, I think I am the black sheep. There's some stuff that's getting on my nerves right now. My brother is getting married in the next couple of weeks and for some reason, they seem to think that its my responsibility to help pay for the wedding. A little background first:
I have always looked out for my little brother. When he was in high school, I always made sure he had some spending change. True, I was making damn near minimum wage, but I made sure that I looked out for him. $20 here and there, if he wanted a CD or some new clothes, I was there for him. That's what older brothers are supposed to do, right? As the years went on, this pattern continued. He looked to his older brother to bail him out of situations, and I happily obliged. Back in 2002, he moved in with me because he was in between jobs and I was glad to help out. He was supposed to stay for a short time, but it turned into 18 months of him sleeping on my couch, eating up all my food and not paying any bills. During this period, I gave (it was supposed to be lend) him unknown amounts of money. If I actually sat down and totalled it all up, I would just get frustrated. I finally had to put a stop to it, and make him get his own apartment for my sanity.
Even after he moved, I still supported him financially whenever those inevitable jams came up. He always had a key to my apartment, and an open invitation to come over whenever he needed. I mean, I kicked him out of my crib, but not out of my life. We were still cool, and even though I knew I would never get any of my money back, I didn't really care. Something last summer changed my perspective. We were in my cousin's wedding in Dallas,(that's a funny story I need to tell one day) and I fronted the hotel room and tuxedo rental for him supposedly because he didn't have a credit card. He promised that he would give me the money back the following week. But when the time came, there were always excuses. I aint the type who is gonna harrass someone to get my money back, but I have yet to see a penny of that $400. A couple of other incidents happened in September that I will leave out for brevity's sake. I decided then, that the financial portion of our relationship was over. No more lending him money, cuz I would never get it back and he needed to be responsible for himself.
Fast forward to the present day. He is getting married on the 19th and they aren't finished paying for everything. I got a call asking for money. I'm not going to do that. I have supported him long enough. And isn't getting married the time for you to be the man? I don't feel comfortable giving him any money. When he called me, I asked him "don't you have a job? aren't you living with our sister now?" I did this without my trademark sarcasm, I was dead serious. I don't really understand how a 27 year old with no responsibilities can be asking me for money for his wedding. I'll do whatever else he needs me to do, but I am not paying for his wedding.
Then Friday night, I get a call from my mother basically asking me to help out. To be honest, I was taken aback that she would even ask me, because I have gone above and beyond the duty with not just him, but my whole family. I am the one they come to when they need money. I ain't rich by any means, but I always give without any qualms. I had to explain to her what I explained to my brother almost a year ago. I am not giving him any more money. I understand there is a good reason to, but theres always a good reason. My mother tried to lay a whole guilt trip on me about family and my responsiblities but I didnt budge. You may think I'm being mean and holding on to old shit, but this is how I feel. You can tell me I'm right or wrong, but it really wont change my mind. I'm comfortable being Black Sheep for awhile. I just needed to vent.
It was written...
posted by Rashan Jamal at 11:35 AM
17 Comments:
um... first? YES!!!!
ok... now that I have established that I am queen...
You don't have to fell bad for not wanting to pay
(or even HELP pay ) for your brother's weddin'.
You ain't his daddy... you're his brother!
I'd stay the black sheep too- if they stay married at least 5 years then maybe you could give them a nice anniversary gift :)
I honestly don't feel you did anything wrong. You've been there for your brother as much as you could and more then most people would. I mean, shit, if you help pay for the wedding. What happens when they have a child? Do you fund the education as well? I think you've done a great job and if "family responsibility" means being taken advantage of then I think I'll chill with the Black Sheep pass for a little while.
who decided 'family responsibility' included fronting the tab for any portion of someone's wedding? a person knows if he or she can afford to put on a certain type of wedding. if your brother was trying to do it sensibly, he would have kept it inexpensive. it's almost as though he knew you'd bail him out so he just let the expenses pile up. you did what you had to do for you. if this is the only way your fam understands that you're not the bank, then so be it.
having the mom call wasn't a good look at all for your brother. they are behaving in a way that suggests they care little about your feelings, so long as you front the funds. i hope i'm wrong with that assessment, cuz if that's the case, they aren't valuing you as a son or a brother, they see you only as a wallet from whom to extract money.
good luck with that.
You aren't a bank. Just because you are financially stable doesn't mean you should be forking out your hard earned dollars. I mean he's getting married and he lives with your sister? That is all kinds of ass backwards. I agree that he needs to grow up because bailing him out of every situation isn't going to teach him to be an adult.
U are not wrong........I know if i get married......its gonna be me and my spous's responsibility unless his parents help contribute......If they can't afford it they shouldnt have it......but i think in lieu of gifts, is it tacky to ask for money instead?
been here!!!
Siblings are a pain in the azz. Both of mine are younger then me by 8 years and 12 years...so essentially I am always taking care of them and their stuff. I gave my brother an Infinti his freshman year in college (and not an old model either), he got tons of tickets that I had to help pay for, he stayed with me rent free for a whole summer and wouln't even clean his own bathroom...I could go on and on but the point is that everyone thinks it is my responsibility to care for them financially. My brother owes me $250 and I refuse to give him one more penny until he pays me back...
My sister once made a comment that the reason she hadn't paid me back for some money I loaned her was because "I didn't need the money." When I responded "come again?" she proceeded to tell me that I don't need it...I take elaborate trips, shop at expensive stores, and drive a fancy care and never complain about money, therefore I didn't need her to pay me back. I lost my mind...BYOTCH!!! I work hard for my money and what I do with it is my business, who are you to make decisions about what I need based on how I spend my hard earned ends.
You're not wrong Cas. don't put up with the shyt. Siblings...They will suck you fukin dry if you let them!!!
Ok I just vented too...sorry!!!
Wow, I miss my little brother ALL THE TIME but it's stories like this that make me glad his ass lives 2000 miles away! LMAO.
If I were you, I wouldn't come off a dime UNLESS it was for a GIFT. Fuck paying for the shit to pop off. If people can't afford the kind of wedding they want, they need to be "adult' about it and either postpone the wedding until they've saved enough money to pull it off or have a cheap, low-budget wedding at the courthouse and deal with it!
Fam is a trip. Stand your ground. Have fam issues of my own sorta like this about my time and my funds. Whateva. Either your bro and future sister in law make some changes with their wedding plans or they suffer the consequences. It is not like they just figured out they did not have the money. Truth is that everybody needs financial help every now and then (usually for an emegency situatuion) but at some point your brother has to begin to TRY and cover his own butt. If your fam does not understand that then oh well. It will either blow over or they will cease thinking you are a bank.
HELL NAW you're not wrong or even being mean! this is a situation that we all go through with family. it's not just about your siblings. true, it is a fabulous thing to be able to help your people when they need it (and when you can), but at what point are you inhibiting them?
now, i'm not one to say what does or doesn't make someone a man or woman, but yes, if someone is stepping out and saying "i'm about this" "i'm about that," then they are also proclaiming their independence as well as recognizing their responsibilities. personally, if you've already had this conversation with your brother, then there's nothing left to be said. that includes your mother too. :-{
LMAO @ "ok... now that I have established that I am queen..."
For real Shan?? LMAO~
Ok, so back to the topic...
Your situation sounds a lot like my husband with HIS family. And I feel for you - because I don't think it's YOUR responsibility to take care of grown folks who can do for themselves.
My mother-in-law, sister-in-law AND HER KIDS all turn to my husband with their hands out (not just ONE hand, but BOTH HANDS). Whenever shit turns bad, he's the one to bail them out. As his wife (who is SUPPOSED to be supportive of her husband's actions), it angers me because I feel as though they're taking advantage of him - and he feels OBLIGATED I guess because he's the MAN OF THE FAMILY. I mean, it's taken me several years to find love for his family, and even now that I have it - I still feel as though they're using him.
You are NOT wrong for NOT helping or feeling as though you SHOULD help. He is grown. If your mother and the rest of your family don't understand your position, too bad...
since everyone has basically taken the words out of my mouth, I co-sign. You're not Bank of America and you shouldn't feel bad about not doling out your money like candy. Your brother knew he was getting married or thinking about it, he should have saved some money.
hmmm...
thats definately a tough position to be in, but it sounds like you have your reasons and your mind is made up. you have your reasons and no one knows better than you what you've been thru, so go with your gut. its different when they're little and you know youre not gonna get your money back, but when they are grown and rusty its a diffrent deal. i admire you for sticking to your guns like that.
interesting I read this post today. My mum told me yesterday she had 50K for my wedding. I'm like, screw that I'm not marrying anybody....
Anyways, you hit the nail on the head in the last paragraph. They come to you because you always say yes. Family isn't immune to being users. You have to deal with them just like you would anyone else out in the world. But my question is who the hell is he marrying? Obviously she doesn't have her shit straight if she's hooking up with a man who can't be responsible. Not to speak bad of your bro but that says a lot about her.
I'm not gone say nothing, but stick to your guns, you are absolutely right...
Yeah, do NOT budge, next thing you know his new family will be living with you.
How is he ever going to grow up and stand on his own two feet if you keep supporting him? You're doing him a favor whether your family realizes it or not.
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