The Revolution Will Not Be Televised - A Satire
Scene: Black Revolutionary Headquarters – Chicago, Illinois
Time: 9:42 PM Thursday July 13th, 2006
Characters:
Robert Johnson - Founder of B.E.T.
Louis Farrakhan - Leader of Nation of Islam
Bishop T.D. Jakes - Religious Leader
Oprah Winfrey - Billionaire TV personality
Bob Johnson: Good evening, brothas and sista! Black Power!
All: Black Power!
Bob Johnson: I called this meeting today to inform you that the Revolution is almost upon us. As I look around this table today, I can’t help but reflect on the sacrifices all of you have made for the struggle. It hasn’t been easy but I know that it was worth it.
Louis Farrakhan: Brotha, I have to tell you that when you first pitched this plan to us, I wasn’t sure it would work, but all the pieces are in place now.
Oprah: Yes, I too had my doubts. But now I see the genius of your plan. The Man will never see us coming.
Bob Johnson: Before we move on any further, let’s have each of you give us an update on your initiatives. Bishop Jakes, you start.
T.D. Jakes: Black Power! As you know, it’s been my job to promote the perception of complacency amongst our people. As it stands now, The Man thinks that we are under the thumb of a white Jesus. I’ve been very careful not to speak out about racial issues, even though I am in the perfect position to be a spokesperson. Also, the tithes and offerings I receive in my mega church are going straight to the cause. Of course, I have to take my cut so The Man doesn’t get suspicious, but most of the funds are being recycled into the Revolutionary coffers.
Oprah: I’m very interested in how you managed to raise so much capital for the cause.
T.D. Jakes: Well that’s the brilliance of the plan. I wrote a couple of books that are basically telling people things they already know. But since they can relate so well, I’ve been able to become a best selling author. I’m getting money from our people as well as the white power structure, all without being perceived as a threatening Black man. The Man is gonna be shocked when he realizes what we’ve been doing.
Bob Johnson: Thank you, Bishop Jakes. Let us now hear from Minister Farrakhan.
Farrakhan: As – Salaam Alaikum. There is no God but Allah.
All: Wa- aliakum Salaam
Farrakhan: Thank you my illustrious colleagues for taking the time to learn about Islam. While we do not share the same religious beliefs, we all share the same goal: the liberation and salvation of the Black nation.
Bob Johnson: We sure do. How about you give us an update? You’ve had a very difficult job.
Farrakhan: Brother Johnson, you are correct. It’s not been easy for me to submit to your plan. I often struggle with the perception that our people have of me. But, I have stayed on task. I am viewed as a cultural joke by the masses and a pariah by the The Man. After the march in 1995, I was poised to take the reigns of the Black community and lead us to the “promised land.” It has been with great difficulty that I assumed my role as a fringe leader with no real influence.
T.D Jakes: I understand your plight, brother. But I could not pull off the anti Semitic comments and maintain my cover with The Man. But the Nation of Islam has always been viewed as a radical organization. So you were the perfect choice.
Farrakhan: I know, my brother, and I have learned to embrace and even revel in my role. Did you hear what I said about the levees after Hurricane Katrina hit? What about my theory that Jews were responsible for 9/11? A stroke of genius, if I humbly say so myself. The Man doesn’t take me seriously at all, which allows me to continue to do Allah’s work undetected.
Bob Johnson: Thank you, Brother Farrakhan. Ms. Winfrey, have you any updates to report.
Oprah: Yes. Thank you all for joining me at our headquarters. The Man would never guess that we have this underground lair on my palatial estate outside of Chicago. My plan is progressing much in the same vein as Bishop Jakes’. I am currently worth over $1.4 billion. And that’s just what the man knows about. Truth be told, I have gathered over $5 billion dollars for the cause. I continue to trick The Man by having great relationships with some of Hollywood’s biggest stars.
Bob Johnson: But, sister, if I may? You do speak out on some issues. Aren’t you scared The Man will label you a rabble rouser?
Oprah: On the contrary, Brother Johnson. It gives me a sense of having a social conscience and appeals to the liberal white audience. And as long as I don’t go overboard with it, The Man will never take me down. I mean, you don’t see me having Louis Farrakhan on my show, but I’ll damn sure have Barack Obama on. Is he another one of our secret operatives? He just seems a little too safe.
Bob Johnson: Now, Sister Winfrey, we all agreed that we would not discuss the other members of our group. It gives us plausible deniability if something goes wrong. You remember what happened to Brother Jesse Jackson. He almost took us down with that pregnancy scandal.
TD Jakes: Just give us a couple names. The revolution is almost here. Condeleeza Rice? Colin Powell? Bill Cosby?
Bob Johnson: Well, I’m not going to deny that these people are infiltrating the system for us, but our most powerful asset is… No, I can’t say.
Oprah: Come on Bob!! Spill it!!
Bob Johnson: You’d never believe it if I told you.
Farrakhan: Brother Johnson. I’m going to have to insist that you give us the name. We all are in the same struggle. I think we deserve to know.
Bob Johnson: Well…. Clarence Thomas has infiltrated the Supreme Court for us. Only, he doesn’t know it yet. He’s what we call a sleeper agent.
All: CLARENCE THOMAS?!?!?!
Bob Johnson: When the Revolution comes he will play a very integral role. Now, I’ve said too much
TD Jakes: Ain’t this a…
Bob Johnson: We have one further piece of business to discuss: Will the revolution be televised?
Farrakhan: I have a public access cable show that can televise the Revolution. That way The Man wouldn’t know what’s going on until it’s too late.
TD Jakes: Brother Farrakhan, I have to respectfully disagree. Nobody watches your show anymore. I think you were too effective in alienating all but those straight out of jail and those curious college students. I think I can finagle TBS into giving me a live special. Hell, they gave Brother Tyler Perry a sitcom.
Oprah: Well, as you know, I have the highest rated show in daytime television history. If you are looking for an audience, I have one for you. Plus, it’ll give us a chance to stick it to The Man while his woman is watching.
Farrakhan: But what about the men? Only the “alternative lifestyle” types are watching you, Sister Winfrey.
Bob Johnson: Let’s do it on BET!!! The Revolution will be televised on BET!!!
All murmur their apprehension and disapproval.
Bob Johnson: I already know what you are going to say and I think its time I let you in on a secret. BET is the home of the Revolution. Always has been, Always will be.
Oprah: You can’t be serious, Bob. Your channel objectifies women. How can you say it’s the home of the Revolution?
Farrakhan: And with all due respect, BET has never been socially conscious.
TD Jakes: It does seem like hypocrisy. I mean your channel is the same one that shows naked women on Uncut at 3AM and then shows religious programming at 4 AM. BET glorifies the hustler lifestyle. When’s the last time you actually showed something of cultural significance. Please explain this to us Brother Johnson.
Bob Johnson: It’s like this. All of the negative images on BET are a smoke screen. The Man doesn’t view us a threat. He thinks that all we are about is shucking and jiving, guns and bitches, rims and drugs. Sure, we show the same episode of The Wayans Brothers or Jamie Foxx 3 times a week, but what The Man doesn’t realize is that I have been slipping subliminal messages into the shows.
All: What?!?!
Bob Johnson: That’s right. Every time someone uses the word “nigga”, I replace it with a subliminal message that says “Black Power”
TD Jakes: So that’s why our youth loves that word so much. Nigga = Black Power. That’s genius, Bob.
Bob Johnson: Yes. And all the flashy rims, chains and grills in the videos… When the light hits them just right, our viewers get an image of Brother Martin and Brother Malcolm.
Oprah: You mean to tell me that the viewers don’t know this is happening? How did you pull this off?
Bob Johnson: We have agreements with Hype Williams and Little X for the videos. And for the songs, some of our biggest supporters are Lil’ Jon and Jay-Z.
Farrakhan: Well brother it looks like BET is the right place for the revolution to be televised. When is this going down?
Bob Johnson: Tomorrow our master plan goes into effect. Just after Freestyle Friday on 106 and Park. Big Tigger will give the sign. When he adjusts his platinum chain for the fourth time, that will be the cue to start the Revolution!
Oprah: Excellent!
TD Jakes: Masterful Plan!!!
Farrakhan: Well played, my brother. Well played, indeed!!!
Fade To Black
It was written...
Time: 9:42 PM Thursday July 13th, 2006
Characters:
Robert Johnson - Founder of B.E.T.
Louis Farrakhan - Leader of Nation of Islam
Bishop T.D. Jakes - Religious Leader
Oprah Winfrey - Billionaire TV personality
Bob Johnson: Good evening, brothas and sista! Black Power!
All: Black Power!
Bob Johnson: I called this meeting today to inform you that the Revolution is almost upon us. As I look around this table today, I can’t help but reflect on the sacrifices all of you have made for the struggle. It hasn’t been easy but I know that it was worth it.
Louis Farrakhan: Brotha, I have to tell you that when you first pitched this plan to us, I wasn’t sure it would work, but all the pieces are in place now.
Oprah: Yes, I too had my doubts. But now I see the genius of your plan. The Man will never see us coming.
Bob Johnson: Before we move on any further, let’s have each of you give us an update on your initiatives. Bishop Jakes, you start.
T.D. Jakes: Black Power! As you know, it’s been my job to promote the perception of complacency amongst our people. As it stands now, The Man thinks that we are under the thumb of a white Jesus. I’ve been very careful not to speak out about racial issues, even though I am in the perfect position to be a spokesperson. Also, the tithes and offerings I receive in my mega church are going straight to the cause. Of course, I have to take my cut so The Man doesn’t get suspicious, but most of the funds are being recycled into the Revolutionary coffers.
Oprah: I’m very interested in how you managed to raise so much capital for the cause.
T.D. Jakes: Well that’s the brilliance of the plan. I wrote a couple of books that are basically telling people things they already know. But since they can relate so well, I’ve been able to become a best selling author. I’m getting money from our people as well as the white power structure, all without being perceived as a threatening Black man. The Man is gonna be shocked when he realizes what we’ve been doing.
Bob Johnson: Thank you, Bishop Jakes. Let us now hear from Minister Farrakhan.
Farrakhan: As – Salaam Alaikum. There is no God but Allah.
All: Wa- aliakum Salaam
Farrakhan: Thank you my illustrious colleagues for taking the time to learn about Islam. While we do not share the same religious beliefs, we all share the same goal: the liberation and salvation of the Black nation.
Bob Johnson: We sure do. How about you give us an update? You’ve had a very difficult job.
Farrakhan: Brother Johnson, you are correct. It’s not been easy for me to submit to your plan. I often struggle with the perception that our people have of me. But, I have stayed on task. I am viewed as a cultural joke by the masses and a pariah by the The Man. After the march in 1995, I was poised to take the reigns of the Black community and lead us to the “promised land.” It has been with great difficulty that I assumed my role as a fringe leader with no real influence.
T.D Jakes: I understand your plight, brother. But I could not pull off the anti Semitic comments and maintain my cover with The Man. But the Nation of Islam has always been viewed as a radical organization. So you were the perfect choice.
Farrakhan: I know, my brother, and I have learned to embrace and even revel in my role. Did you hear what I said about the levees after Hurricane Katrina hit? What about my theory that Jews were responsible for 9/11? A stroke of genius, if I humbly say so myself. The Man doesn’t take me seriously at all, which allows me to continue to do Allah’s work undetected.
Bob Johnson: Thank you, Brother Farrakhan. Ms. Winfrey, have you any updates to report.
Oprah: Yes. Thank you all for joining me at our headquarters. The Man would never guess that we have this underground lair on my palatial estate outside of Chicago. My plan is progressing much in the same vein as Bishop Jakes’. I am currently worth over $1.4 billion. And that’s just what the man knows about. Truth be told, I have gathered over $5 billion dollars for the cause. I continue to trick The Man by having great relationships with some of Hollywood’s biggest stars.
Bob Johnson: But, sister, if I may? You do speak out on some issues. Aren’t you scared The Man will label you a rabble rouser?
Oprah: On the contrary, Brother Johnson. It gives me a sense of having a social conscience and appeals to the liberal white audience. And as long as I don’t go overboard with it, The Man will never take me down. I mean, you don’t see me having Louis Farrakhan on my show, but I’ll damn sure have Barack Obama on. Is he another one of our secret operatives? He just seems a little too safe.
Bob Johnson: Now, Sister Winfrey, we all agreed that we would not discuss the other members of our group. It gives us plausible deniability if something goes wrong. You remember what happened to Brother Jesse Jackson. He almost took us down with that pregnancy scandal.
TD Jakes: Just give us a couple names. The revolution is almost here. Condeleeza Rice? Colin Powell? Bill Cosby?
Bob Johnson: Well, I’m not going to deny that these people are infiltrating the system for us, but our most powerful asset is… No, I can’t say.
Oprah: Come on Bob!! Spill it!!
Bob Johnson: You’d never believe it if I told you.
Farrakhan: Brother Johnson. I’m going to have to insist that you give us the name. We all are in the same struggle. I think we deserve to know.
Bob Johnson: Well…. Clarence Thomas has infiltrated the Supreme Court for us. Only, he doesn’t know it yet. He’s what we call a sleeper agent.
All: CLARENCE THOMAS?!?!?!
Bob Johnson: When the Revolution comes he will play a very integral role. Now, I’ve said too much
TD Jakes: Ain’t this a…
Bob Johnson: We have one further piece of business to discuss: Will the revolution be televised?
Farrakhan: I have a public access cable show that can televise the Revolution. That way The Man wouldn’t know what’s going on until it’s too late.
TD Jakes: Brother Farrakhan, I have to respectfully disagree. Nobody watches your show anymore. I think you were too effective in alienating all but those straight out of jail and those curious college students. I think I can finagle TBS into giving me a live special. Hell, they gave Brother Tyler Perry a sitcom.
Oprah: Well, as you know, I have the highest rated show in daytime television history. If you are looking for an audience, I have one for you. Plus, it’ll give us a chance to stick it to The Man while his woman is watching.
Farrakhan: But what about the men? Only the “alternative lifestyle” types are watching you, Sister Winfrey.
Bob Johnson: Let’s do it on BET!!! The Revolution will be televised on BET!!!
All murmur their apprehension and disapproval.
Bob Johnson: I already know what you are going to say and I think its time I let you in on a secret. BET is the home of the Revolution. Always has been, Always will be.
Oprah: You can’t be serious, Bob. Your channel objectifies women. How can you say it’s the home of the Revolution?
Farrakhan: And with all due respect, BET has never been socially conscious.
TD Jakes: It does seem like hypocrisy. I mean your channel is the same one that shows naked women on Uncut at 3AM and then shows religious programming at 4 AM. BET glorifies the hustler lifestyle. When’s the last time you actually showed something of cultural significance. Please explain this to us Brother Johnson.
Bob Johnson: It’s like this. All of the negative images on BET are a smoke screen. The Man doesn’t view us a threat. He thinks that all we are about is shucking and jiving, guns and bitches, rims and drugs. Sure, we show the same episode of The Wayans Brothers or Jamie Foxx 3 times a week, but what The Man doesn’t realize is that I have been slipping subliminal messages into the shows.
All: What?!?!
Bob Johnson: That’s right. Every time someone uses the word “nigga”, I replace it with a subliminal message that says “Black Power”
TD Jakes: So that’s why our youth loves that word so much. Nigga = Black Power. That’s genius, Bob.
Bob Johnson: Yes. And all the flashy rims, chains and grills in the videos… When the light hits them just right, our viewers get an image of Brother Martin and Brother Malcolm.
Oprah: You mean to tell me that the viewers don’t know this is happening? How did you pull this off?
Bob Johnson: We have agreements with Hype Williams and Little X for the videos. And for the songs, some of our biggest supporters are Lil’ Jon and Jay-Z.
Farrakhan: Well brother it looks like BET is the right place for the revolution to be televised. When is this going down?
Bob Johnson: Tomorrow our master plan goes into effect. Just after Freestyle Friday on 106 and Park. Big Tigger will give the sign. When he adjusts his platinum chain for the fourth time, that will be the cue to start the Revolution!
Oprah: Excellent!
TD Jakes: Masterful Plan!!!
Farrakhan: Well played, my brother. Well played, indeed!!!
Fade To Black
It was written...
posted by Rashan Jamal at 12:41 AM
21 Comments:
Very good. This reminds me of those 'man laws' commercials.
Genius, Tcas! I agree: you must have been a best selling author in another life! I like how you have each "players" dialog highlighted in color. Purple for Oprah; green for Minister Jakes. And speaking of Minister Jakes: did you know he and his church won't accept membership from potential members UNLESS they make over a certain amount of dollars a year? It's a true fact. A friend of mine tried to get in the "door" and on the "application", it asked him for his yearly salary... aint that a b*tch?
But at any rate: It Was Written by Tcas, and I loved it! But you should've added dialog from Bill Cosby, too. Talk about fireworks!
You're a bonafide genius!
Nice one, Cas:-)
Wouldn't it be lovely?
I had to email this to friends of mine. It was hilarious!!!
You're a genius...
How I wish this was true!!
If only the churches actually did for the community.
Insanity, Thas fucked up about the TD Jakes church, application, salary requirements, I didn't know you needed good credit to get into heaven....I will be burnin in hell...
T. Cas, i just had to say again, genius!!!
Now this blog is definitely worth reading, its my first stop, but I'll be back...
Hold Up! So the Revolution will be televised?
Lawda mercy! T. you are too much. That sleeper agent bit had me dyin.
I laughed, but I really wish it was half way real! I mean really tho, think about what would be possible.
It cant be tho, cause Harpo reaches more mid aged white women than anything...
Now this was good!!! LOL, imma email this to some of my friends.
excellent post
excellent post
Oh my goodness that was great. You have me rolling in tears over here. You're good man.....real good.
@ everyone - I went back to work yesterday, so I had to play catch up. I'll get around to everyones blog soon.
@ fallen angel - I debated whether to put good old Track suit Al or Farrakhan in there. I chose Farrakhan because i think he talks funny.
@ chele - thanks
@ la papillon bleu - maybe I can be a best selling author in this life. I just have to actually finish what i start
@ insanity - don't get me started on the Black Mega Churches. That bothers me to no end.
@ Cocoa Girl - it would be lovely
@ Trish - I think I gotta give the first one to my moms, but you got the second one
@ epsilonicus - thanks, I hope they like it too
@ nikki - high praise coming from you.
@ Nsane - thank you very much. I remember when you did your state of the Black nation thing on your old blog. That was powerful
@ slump facade - thank you brother. they not all like this, but I'm trying
@ jennayNay - i wish they did do it like this in real life.
@ N search - thank you. I hope they like it
@ tenacious - thanks
@ diva (in demand) - merci beaucoup I'm glad you liked it.
Dang all I have to say is I've heard more than once that the revolution will be televised on BET LOL....this only confirms those individuals who are in on the plan haha
On another note..how come everytime I read black power I heard Dave Chappell say it in the tone that he said "white power" like he did on his skit when he was Mr. Bigsby LOL
@honey-libra...ME TOO. it always comes out sounding like that guy when i read it.
LMAO.. OMg.. I got tears in my eyes.. LOL good job cas..
damn u a good writer.. :)
Dang you remember that?
Socrates, Einstien, DaVinci...all considered genuis' none hold a candle to this.
Tyler Perry wanna make movies...this scrip is the one he needs to coup!
EXCELLENT POST!!!!
@ Zed - you crazy yo! I didnt even notice it was cancelled.
@ honey libra - that's funny, i'm hearing Chappelle say it now that you mention it
@ daddy's girl - thanks for the compliment
@ nsane - yeah, I remember. It was like 3 parts. I was still blog shy then so I was lurking
@ royce's daughter - wow, thats a hell of a compliment there,
oh to be a fly on the walls of your mind! what else is going on in there? :)
GREAT POST!
That's a great story. Waiting for more. » »
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