The Cookout

Since much of the blogworld is going to be talking about their cookout last weekend, (that I was not invited too, by the way. LOL) I thought I would tell you about one of the funniest cookouts I ever been to.

Memorial Day, 1998. I was 23 and sharing an apartment with my one and only roommate. We'll call her Sherri. Sherri was a mad cool chick that I had vibed with through some mutual friends. She was the nurturing type that always went all out when her friends came over. Our crew would sit up all night, smoking that bud, listening to music and having deep conversations. I moved in after a while because she needed some help with the rent and I needed to get out of my living situation. Actually, now that I think about it, this story took place before I moved in so disregard that entire paragraph. LOL

But anyway, during one of our vibing sessions, we decided that we should throw a cookout for Memorial Day. Sherri would be the hostess, and me and boys Kareem and Tori, would be sort of the co hosts. It wasn't our crib, but we would help plan everything and invite our friends to the spot. Everything came together lovely. I was the liquor and music man, Kareem was like ghetto Emeril on the grill and Tori was responsible for getting the ladies to come through. Sherri did just about everything else from getting the grill to decorating the dirt filled front yard. We had a great time enjoying everybody's company, playing cards, drinking and talking shit. But you know it wouldn't be a T. Cas story unless something crazy happened.

What I left out of the earlier part of the story is that Sherri is a lesbian. She had some of her "friends" at her cookout. We all got along and there was no issue with her gay friends and our straight friends. But her neighbors.... that was a different story. Miss Benny and Miss Nathan (that's what they called themselves) were a couple that lived in the downstairs portion of the duplex that Sherri was renting. Both of them were in their 40's and extremely flamboyant. They came to the cookout wearing matching cut off shorts and wifebeaters. Miss Nathan topped off his ensemble with a pink scarf on his head covering up his permed hair. Miss Benny had a straw hat with an attached drawstring hanging under his scraggly hairy chin. It looked like one of those hats that white women wear when they are gardening. By the time they came outside to get some food, they were already drunk off their asses. I overheard this conversation as I was sitting on the steps with my homegirl Boo Trotter

Miss Benny: UMMM NNNOOO!!! Sherri does not have all these heteros at her cookout.

Miss Nathan: Don't worry, Miss Benny. If any of them mess with you, I'll cut their asses.

Me and Boo sat there trying not to bust out laughing. But as the day wore on, it would become impossible to hold it in. Later on, we were playing spades in the yard, when we noticed Miss Nathan talking loud.

Miss Nathan: Why they ain't got no light beer? I can't drink this Heineken. It goes straight to my hips.

Miss Benny: Come on inside. We got some gin.

Miss Nathan: Well you know gin makes me sin.

He then grabbed Miss Benny's ass.

Miss Benny: Ooh stop it. You so nasty!

They went in the house and came back about 30 minutes later. By this time the food was ready and everybody was eating, drinking and being merry. Miss Nathan was now wearing a kimono over his cutoff shorts. Miss Nathan had replaced his hat with a doo rag. They stood by the stairs away from all the other guests. Suddenly, Miss Nathan let off a terrifying shriek.

Miss Nathan: OOOH!!! It's too hot out here. I'm bout to pass out.

Miss Benny: Baby, what's wrong?

By this time everybody is watching them. They are putting on a show and they have a captive audience.

Miss Nathan: I bouts to faints! OOOH, I cants takes it.

Miss Benny: I got you Miss Nathan, fall into my arms.

We are cracking up because it was so obviously an act. Miss Benny went in their apartment and got one of those paper funeral home fans and starts fanning Miss Nathan, who is just acting like the world is about to end. He laid down on the dirt, and started doing a gyration like he was going into convulsions. A couple of people went over to see if he was all right.

Miss Benny: Move back, give her some room. (They also alternated between calling each other him and her)

Miss Nathan: I'm bouts to die. I see a bright light

Miss Benny: I'm here for you. Walk away from the light and towards Miss Benny.

This went on for about 5 minutes. Everybody else was staring and laughing. This angered Miss Benny.

Miss Benny: The next muthafucka to laugh at my Miss Nathan is getting cut.

Miss Nathan (still on the ground): Cuts them, baby! OOH, my robe is getting dirty.

Miss Benny then pulled out a long ass knife. I don't know where he got it from, but that shit was huge. It was like a butcher knife. He came running towards us swinging that machete wildly.

Miss Benny: Now what, straighties!!! You think you can laugh at us and we wont do nothing about it.

I backed up a little, still laughing, but not trying to get sliced. Kareem wanted to take the knife from him, but thought better of it. Everyone else were standing around watching the scene play out. Finally, Sherri stepped up and got Miss Benny to put the knife down. He walked back over to Miss Nathan and helped him up. Before they went back inside, they took one more opportunity to curse us out in dramatic fashion.

Miss Benny: I hope all you muhfuckas is proud of yourself. Laughing at a poor defenseless little fag.

Miss Nathan: You should have cut them, Miss Nathan. They homophobic.

Miss Benny: They some bitches. Ain't none of them man enough to take this.

Miss Nathan: FUCK YOU STRAIGHTIES!!!!!

And with that they left the cookout. We all went back to having a good time, but Miss Nathan and Miss Benny were the topics of conversation for the rest of the night. Here is a picture of that cookout. That's me in the Polo shirt with my homeboys getting our jailhouse poses on. (well Blogger wont cooperate, so I'll have to add this picture later.)

It was written...