Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Cookout

Since much of the blogworld is going to be talking about their cookout last weekend, (that I was not invited too, by the way. LOL) I thought I would tell you about one of the funniest cookouts I ever been to.

Memorial Day, 1998. I was 23 and sharing an apartment with my one and only roommate. We'll call her Sherri. Sherri was a mad cool chick that I had vibed with through some mutual friends. She was the nurturing type that always went all out when her friends came over. Our crew would sit up all night, smoking that bud, listening to music and having deep conversations. I moved in after a while because she needed some help with the rent and I needed to get out of my living situation. Actually, now that I think about it, this story took place before I moved in so disregard that entire paragraph. LOL

But anyway, during one of our vibing sessions, we decided that we should throw a cookout for Memorial Day. Sherri would be the hostess, and me and boys Kareem and Tori, would be sort of the co hosts. It wasn't our crib, but we would help plan everything and invite our friends to the spot. Everything came together lovely. I was the liquor and music man, Kareem was like ghetto Emeril on the grill and Tori was responsible for getting the ladies to come through. Sherri did just about everything else from getting the grill to decorating the dirt filled front yard. We had a great time enjoying everybody's company, playing cards, drinking and talking shit. But you know it wouldn't be a T. Cas story unless something crazy happened.

What I left out of the earlier part of the story is that Sherri is a lesbian. She had some of her "friends" at her cookout. We all got along and there was no issue with her gay friends and our straight friends. But her neighbors.... that was a different story. Miss Benny and Miss Nathan (that's what they called themselves) were a couple that lived in the downstairs portion of the duplex that Sherri was renting. Both of them were in their 40's and extremely flamboyant. They came to the cookout wearing matching cut off shorts and wifebeaters. Miss Nathan topped off his ensemble with a pink scarf on his head covering up his permed hair. Miss Benny had a straw hat with an attached drawstring hanging under his scraggly hairy chin. It looked like one of those hats that white women wear when they are gardening. By the time they came outside to get some food, they were already drunk off their asses. I overheard this conversation as I was sitting on the steps with my homegirl Boo Trotter

Miss Benny: UMMM NNNOOO!!! Sherri does not have all these heteros at her cookout.

Miss Nathan: Don't worry, Miss Benny. If any of them mess with you, I'll cut their asses.


Me and Boo sat there trying not to bust out laughing. But as the day wore on, it would become impossible to hold it in. Later on, we were playing spades in the yard, when we noticed Miss Nathan talking loud.

Miss Nathan: Why they ain't got no light beer? I can't drink this Heineken. It goes straight to my hips.

Miss Benny: Come on inside. We got some gin.

Miss Nathan: Well you know gin makes me sin.

He then grabbed Miss Benny's ass.

Miss Benny: Ooh stop it. You so nasty!

They went in the house and came back about 30 minutes later. By this time the food was ready and everybody was eating, drinking and being merry. Miss Nathan was now wearing a kimono over his cutoff shorts. Miss Nathan had replaced his hat with a doo rag. They stood by the stairs away from all the other guests. Suddenly, Miss Nathan let off a terrifying shriek.

Miss Nathan: OOOH!!! It's too hot out here. I'm bout to pass out.

Miss Benny: Baby, what's wrong?


By this time everybody is watching them. They are putting on a show and they have a captive audience.

Miss Nathan: I bouts to faints! OOOH, I cants takes it.

Miss Benny: I got you Miss Nathan, fall into my arms.


We are cracking up because it was so obviously an act. Miss Benny went in their apartment and got one of those paper funeral home fans and starts fanning Miss Nathan, who is just acting like the world is about to end. He laid down on the dirt, and started doing a gyration like he was going into convulsions. A couple of people went over to see if he was all right.

Miss Benny: Move back, give her some room. (They also alternated between calling each other him and her)

Miss Nathan: I'm bouts to die. I see a bright light

Miss Benny: I'm here for you. Walk away from the light and towards Miss Benny.


This went on for about 5 minutes. Everybody else was staring and laughing. This angered Miss Benny.

Miss Benny: The next muthafucka to laugh at my Miss Nathan is getting cut.

Miss Nathan (still on the ground): Cuts them, baby! OOH, my robe is getting dirty.


Miss Benny then pulled out a long ass knife. I don't know where he got it from, but that shit was huge. It was like a butcher knife. He came running towards us swinging that machete wildly.

Miss Benny: Now what, straighties!!! You think you can laugh at us and we wont do nothing about it.

I backed up a little, still laughing, but not trying to get sliced. Kareem wanted to take the knife from him, but thought better of it. Everyone else were standing around watching the scene play out. Finally, Sherri stepped up and got Miss Benny to put the knife down. He walked back over to Miss Nathan and helped him up. Before they went back inside, they took one more opportunity to curse us out in dramatic fashion.

Miss Benny: I hope all you muhfuckas is proud of yourself. Laughing at a poor defenseless little fag.

Miss Nathan: You should have cut them, Miss Nathan. They homophobic.

Miss Benny: They some bitches. Ain't none of them man enough to take this.

Miss Nathan: FUCK YOU STRAIGHTIES!!!!!


And with that they left the cookout. We all went back to having a good time, but Miss Nathan and Miss Benny were the topics of conversation for the rest of the night. Here is a picture of that cookout. That's me in the Polo shirt with my homeboys getting our jailhouse poses on. (well Blogger wont cooperate, so I'll have to add this picture later.)

It was written...

21 Comments:

Blogger Ms. Blaize said...

Uhmmmm. sweetie?? Where's the pic?? I'm trying to see some remnant of that cookout! That was straight awful! *LOL*!!!!

Tue Aug 08, 11:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Diva (in Demand) said...

You know you are wrong as hell for this one. LOL

Tue Aug 08, 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger Tenacious said...

hil.f*cking.arious

*two snapz in Z formation*

OMG I couldnt function if I saw something like that, I would have died laughing and probably have gotten sliced up by Miss Benny.

yeah blogger is a d*ck wouldn't let me post pictures either

Tue Aug 08, 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Mocha_Grl said...

LMAO

That was good! Please tell me you have pics of Miss Benny & Miss Nathan...

Tue Aug 08, 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger Robert L. Mack said...

LOL!!!!!!

Yo this is a crazy story for real...I'm crackin up over here...I don't know if I could have done it T, hanging around them like that.

yep blogger wont let me post pics either...

Tue Aug 08, 02:10:00 PM  
Blogger i like liquor and tv said...

I'd pay top dolla to see pics of blaine edwards and antwan merriweather...before and after the kimono/doo-rag change.

Tue Aug 08, 02:24:00 PM  
Blogger chele said...

You have got to be kidding me! Straighties? Oh Lawd! lol

Tue Aug 08, 02:26:00 PM  
Blogger Royce's Daughter said...

They sound "FIERCE"

Friggin gayola's I don't get it...my thing is if you gay that's your business but for the over the top men where in the hell do they get those images from. Women don't even act like that...strange to me.

This shyt was hilarious...I'm still laughing!!!

Tue Aug 08, 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger fallen angel said...

what cookout? who's cooking? did yall bring some turkey burgers? hello? hello? i don't remember hearing/reading nothing about a cookout going on 'round here!

Tue Aug 08, 04:40:00 PM  
Blogger blue butterfli said...

Miss Benny and Miss Nathan. Wow. That is just SO wrong on SO many levels! (LOL)

This shit is so FUNNY!! I guess it's because I know gay people who are extremely OVER dramatic and I could just see the whole thing playing out in my head.

Thank you for the laugh!

Peace.

Tue Aug 08, 05:56:00 PM  
Blogger Blah Blah Blah said...

Everyone that could get here was invited......
GA isn't but a hop skip and a plane ride away...

Tue Aug 08, 06:03:00 PM  
Blogger "N" Search of Ecstasy said...

Shoot, nobody invited me to any of the cookouts either ;-(

How in the world can you remember with such detail a cookout from 1998? Wow!

Tue Aug 08, 06:48:00 PM  
Anonymous The Goddess said...

I'm cracking up over here. You always find yourself in the craziest sitations. Crazy just seems to follow you wherever you go. Smile.

Tue Aug 08, 07:07:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ Ms Blaize - Blogger was acting up, so I couldnt post the pic. I'll try again in a few

@ Diva(in demand) - I aint wrong for this, this is a true story, at least how I remember it.

@ Tenacious - Miss Benny was a G, I still don't know where he/she hid the blade

@ Mocha - Alas, no pictures of them... besides, how would I look with a picture of miss nathan in my photo album

@ Robert Mack - son, it was straight comedy. It was like a train wreck that I couldnt stop watching

@ chele - yeah, that word was in my vocabulary for years to come

@ royce's daughter - imagine being there, that was the funniest thing I saw in a long time

@ fallen angel - I know you read KZ's blog, so you know all about the cookout

@ blue butterfli - imagine if i woulda took my time and wrote out everything that happened, that shit would have been even funnier.

@ blah blah blah - maybe I'll make the cut next time. LMAO

@ N Search - I have a vivid long term memory, but my short term memory sux

@ the goddess - I'm convinced that i have a crazy magnet in my pocket

Tue Aug 08, 08:41:00 PM  
Blogger Epsilonicus said...

How come insanity to seems to be a very frequent visitor to your life?? This had me dying laughing. If I was there I would have had to laugh.

Tue Aug 08, 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ liquor and tv - Sorry I missed you early. I told you this story before right. Sorry, i dont have no pics of them, but what you are imagining is probably right

@ eps - I was even laughing when dude pulled the blade out.

Wed Aug 09, 12:51:00 AM  
Blogger 4EverJennayNay said...

"I'm here for you. Walk away from the light and towards Miss Benny."

haha

good story.

Wed Aug 09, 09:26:00 AM  
Blogger sLiCk TaLkiN' said...

I needed that laugh today..my fav:

Miss Nathan: I bouts to faints! OOOH, I cants takes it.

I want to know where he pulled the butcher knife from too!!

Wed Aug 09, 02:05:00 PM  
Blogger Cocoa Girl said...

N!gga, you LYING!

Wed Aug 09, 03:55:00 PM  
Blogger i like liquor and tv said...

lol..yeah you told me that story before. I really hope that my imagination is wrong!

Wed Aug 09, 04:45:00 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

Well I just surfed on to your page while trying to dodge starting a project at work.... and I definitely have to put on my links to read. That story was priceless.

Wed Aug 16, 09:37:00 AM  

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