Monday, March 20, 2006

I Stand Accused

Inspiration - "I Stand Accused" - Isaac Hayes "I stand accused/ Of lovin' you too much/ And I hope I hope it's not a crime/ 'Cause if it is, I'm guilty Of lovin' you, you, you" I know it ain't hip hop, but I love his music. I can listen to "Hot Buttered Soul" everyday and not get tired of it. Plus, Ike has been sampled so much by rappers that he is like an architect of the hip hop movement.

What I'm Listening To: A bunch of R. Kelly joints I downloaded

Question(s) I Asked Myself Today: "If Duke loses, can I still win my tournament pool?" Yes, I need Duke to lose in this round and Gonzaga to lose in the final four and Connecticut to win the whole thing. Then I can win bragging rights.

A while back, I got accused of a heinous crime. Somebody had the nerve to imply that I was sensitive. I was shocked. T. is a lot of things: T. is abrasive, T. is arrogant, T. is an asshole. But T. is NOT sensitive. I immediately recoiled at the image of me with a greasy S-Curl wearing a yellow suit and dancing around like Ralph Tresvant. You know, crooning to the ladies about how they need a man with sensitivity. I can't go out like that. However, after my Ally McBeal type fantasy was over, I thought about it. Maybe I am just a little sensitive.

I do care about people's feelings. Even though I sometimes talk without thinking, when I do mull it over, I try my best to sugar coat things or say them in a way that won't offend people. Case in point, there is a girl I work with that is, let's just say, hair and make up challenged. She draws in her lip line with a pencil and she comes out looking like the Joker from Batman. She also slathers her hair down on her face with gel. When the gel gets old, it gets all dry, crusty and flaky. While what I really wanna say to her is, "you need to wash your hair because it looks like you just got a money shot in a porno," I had to find a way to say that tactfully to avoid hurting her feelings. So instead of destroying her with my harsh words, sensitive T. suggested that she do her hair differently because it would look good on her. It didn't work, but you get the point. I was sensitive about that because I cared about her feelings.

I also do care about political and societal issues as well. Like most people, Hurricane Katrina hit me hard. Call me sensitive if you want, but I just couldn't bear to see those children suffering. I donated as much as I could at the time and gave away a bunch of old clothes. I think about the ramifications of our country's political landscape and how it will affect the poor and underserved members of our community. I guess in that way I do have some sensitivity in me.

On another note, I think I can display sensitivity in my personal relationships too. I try not to treat people disrespectfully. While you always hear about cheating male dogs, I have only cheated on someone one time, and that shit will never happen again. (Cut me some slack, I was in college at the time.) I like to think that I really listen when my girlfriends are talking and respect their dreams and aspirations. I know where my respect for women comes from. I grew up in a household with 4 generations of women. I lived with my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother and my sister. If that doesn't teach you how to treat women, nothing will. Now, I still have a problem expressing this sensitivity, but it's there and I'm working on being more overt with it.

So, after my initial rush of testosterone, I think I am okay with the label of being sensitive. I had to realize that being sensitive doesn't mean that you are suspect. My question for all of you ladies reading this is this: Do you want your man to display sensitivity or do you prefer him to be a so called "real man?" Also have you had a boyfriend that was too sensitive? Where do you draw the line? Sorry to give you homework, but I am really curious about what you guys think.

It was written...

24 Comments:

Blogger Mocha_Grl said...

ok first lol @ the Ralph Tresvant image. Though I'm not gonna front, I loved that jam.

I hear where your coming from. I can't say I'm the most sensitive of females, but I think we all have a level of humanity which doesn't enjoy hurting other people (well, most people). And doing our best to avoid it. From your description I don't know that I'd label you sensitive...I mean if you weren't affected be Katrina I'd be worried about ya.

As for your question. Hmmm. I'm a girl that likes a "real man" in many respects, but i don't feel that being a real man means completely stifling your feelings. Do I want a dude that's gonna cry during The Lion King? No (yes, I dated a dude that cried, at movies...ALL the time). But I've also seen the other extreme, my ex didn't even blink when his sister was raped and killed. So there's a balance of a man needing to be able to access his emotions, but not always to be living in them.

Mon Mar 20, 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger NegroPino™ said...

Do you want your man to display sensitivity or do you prefer him to be a so called "real man?"
Real men shed tears..its called EMOTION...i dont want somebody that puts on a FRONT all the time cuz thats not the REAL U....

Also have you had a boyfriend that was too sensitive?
NOt too sensitive but somebody that needed to MAN UP....

Where do you draw the line?
Crying can be a turn on/turn off depends on the situation......

Mon Mar 20, 02:05:00 PM  
Blogger chele said...

I think "real men" do express their emotions. I like a true ALPHA MALE. Big, masculine, knows how to fix things ... all that. But at the same time, he opens the door for me and places his hand in the small of my back as we go through a doorway, or is so moved by a piece of music that he's brought to tears. To witness the gentler side of a "real" man is a huge turn-on.

I have never had a man that was too sensitive.

Mon Mar 20, 02:06:00 PM  
Blogger SistaGirl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Mon Mar 20, 02:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want a man to be true. A real man is true and open about his feelings, true to himself and true to those around him. I draw the line when a man is too closed off; I want to know what’s going on, how does he feel about things? Hell open up to a sister. Now I don’t want a man that cries on the drop of a dime, that crap is annoying. But a tear at the right occasion will get you very far.

On another note, T. has always been sensitive enough. Yes T is an asshole, T is arrogant, but T has always been there when I’ve needed him.
-c

Mon Mar 20, 02:40:00 PM  
Blogger Unsaid said...

i like this post a lot. look at you all sens-i-tiv and stuff.

To answer your questions: I want a man who is honest about his feelings and that is as real as a man can get to me.

I haven't had a man that was too sensitive but a close friend of mine did. This dude was 6 foot 6 and always fucking crying. I was always like, "he is too big to be crying like that all the time".

I draw the line when you start doing what women are stereotypically known to do...only showing emotion to manipulate us to do something. that's taking it too far.

Mon Mar 20, 03:01:00 PM  
Blogger P said...

Well.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a degree of testosterone. It's what makes men, men.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive; perhaps you would be more comfortable with the word 'compassionate'.

Often times, in society, the communication barriers that exists between men and women have nothing to do with men 'not getting it', or women being 'high strung'.

We just have to learn to do the tango in language that our better half understands, whoever that may be. . .

Compassion is a virtue to have. Being effiminate is a bit much; TC, don't confuse the two.

Keep doing what you do, babe. . .

Mon Mar 20, 03:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: no doz i spoke with her today about a makeover and she said that she gets her hair done however, she is comfortable with her hair like that she also said that she would hate to disappoint me by getting it done and going right back to the plastered look then i told her that next month we are going to get makeovers then she said that she won't answer the phone so i told her that i was going to kidnap her one day after work and she would have no other choice then she also advised me that her boyfriend fusses at her about her hair also.

In regards to the man issue my ex was the perfect balance and he cried in front of me because he was hurt by some family issues and i thought no less of him and it actually made me love him more b/c it takes a strong man to cry in front of his woman that means that he is secure and in touch with his emotions. T is a well rounded man...(bb)

Mon Mar 20, 04:58:00 PM  
Blogger nikki said...

i don't think there is such a thing as a 'real man', only 'real folk'. a person who is real steps past the barrier of fear that will prevent him or her from expressing his or her feelings as truthfully as possible. a person who is real is aware of the feelings of others and behaves in a way that isn't malicious towards that other person. what you describe regarding katrina is more about being compassionate than being sensitive in my opinion because it was of such a catastropic nature that only a person completely lacking of feeling wouldn't be affected by it. i think sensitivity has moreso to do with knowing one has tendencies that are seen as insensitive by others and he or she adjusts his or her behavior because he or she recognizes he or she hurts others when he or she behaves in that fashion. i don't think making such an adjustment means being untruthful with one's self. if anything, it brings a person closer to the truth about his or her self if he or she recognizes the motivation behind the behavior for what it really is.

if you're not prone to cry, then don't cry. however, it's up to you to recognize when you're holding back because you're fearful of being left vulnerable or if you're not emoting because you just ain't feeling it.

Mon Mar 20, 06:10:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ mocha - I don't cry at movies, but one almost got me, but we will never speak of that again. As for your ex, maybe he was just in shock. I have to think that would affect even the hardest person out there.

@ ms. new booty - there's a thin line between being expressive and having to man up. Men have to be careful in order to maintain their women's respect.

@ chele - I don't know if I have evolved enough to shed tears yet, but I can identify with being moved by a piece of music.

@ C - I'm still here if you need me, shawty. *sobs* How far did that get me? LOL and you better not tell them what movie had me crying either.

@ unsaid - Thanks, now I have an image of a basketball player (cuz in my head if you tall you have to play ball) sobbing uncontrollably.

@ P - you always come through with the words of wisdom. I actually came to grips with it, but I had to think about it to realize that compassion is a good thing

@ bb - you know I tried everything with that girl. If she didn't listen to her man or me, ain't nothing you do gonna change that. Good luck. You're right though that it is a balance. Gotta be vulnerable and strong at the same time.

Mon Mar 20, 06:23:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

Sorry, Nik, didn't see you. I was typing my long response. I'm not a crier, but I can empathize with what people are going through. I understand now that I can be vulnerable and a real man at the same time.

Mon Mar 20, 06:44:00 PM  
Blogger Sangindiva said...

I think I'd like a man with a balancce-
it's true "real men " show emotion
but it goes both ways- who wants a cryin' ass woman all the time either? I think a man can be sensitive and compassionate when it is called for. ie.. when he is with his woman and they are having the heart to heart that's gonna keep them together- that is the time to be REAL and emotional. That's not the time to prove how manly you are- it's the time to be vulnerable to one another in love.
Save that macho shit for ya boys!

By the way I like your blog
I've been a silent reader but came out of the
shadows today! :)

Mon Mar 20, 07:14:00 PM  
Blogger Mocha_Grl said...

One almost got you? You know I have to ask which one! C'mon give it up!

I'd like to think it was shock, but he never once showed emotion about it that I or anyone else saw including his mamma. I'm sure he was hurting, but it was disconcerting that he wouldn't even express a little bit of emotion...

Tue Mar 21, 12:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mocha_grl, it was that chick flick with Meg Ryan...City of Angels..see T. is sens-i-tive LOL
-c

Tue Mar 21, 05:32:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

Nah, see what had happened was...

it was the music that moved me, not the movie. You aint gotta be revealing secrets and shit.

Tue Mar 21, 05:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

umm didn't somebody day earlier
"@ chele - I don't know if I have evolved enough to shed tears yet[over music], but I can identify with being moved by a piece of music." Is this a call out on your blog??
-c

Tue Mar 21, 05:41:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

okay, now what had really happened was...

I got something in my eye, maybe you should have learned how to clean up the damn apartment and I wouldnt be choking on dust bunnies.

Tue Mar 21, 05:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG LMOA..ok ok I'll let you win this one...Mr Tresvant LOL
-c

Tue Mar 21, 05:49:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

In the words of Jigga: I WILL NOT LOSE!!! Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Tue Mar 21, 05:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The dogs the dust, what else are you going to reveal?? Besides you ought to see my place now..oh wait you can't LOL
-c

Tue Mar 21, 06:08:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

You are lucky I have to get ready for this concert or I would tell everybody about how you wash dark clothes in bleach. oh, yeah don't try to get the last word on T. It ain't gonna work.

Tue Mar 21, 06:33:00 PM  
Blogger Mocha_Grl said...

City of Angels huh? OK, I can't comment, cuz I didn't see it, and I don't wanna tear a man down that is being so open with his sensitivity...but ummmm a Meg Ryan flick??? Really??

Wed Mar 22, 10:11:00 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

I would like for my husband to be more sensitive, saying "Oh, I didn't think about how you would feel" just does not cut it sometimes. Now if he cried during Steel Magnolias I don't think I would like that.

Wed Mar 22, 10:56:00 AM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ sangindiva I heard your music on your blog, you are extremely talented.

@ mocha - see, what had happened was... oh, forget it, yes that movie got to me, but that is the only one. I ain't no punk

@ Robin - that's a hard thing for a man to do. I've used that line before too, but its true, we honestly don't think about it sometimes.

Wed Mar 22, 02:38:00 PM  

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