So You Think You Can Stalk?!?!

This joint comes courtesy of an IM conversation with Tenacious the other day. I can't remember how we got on the topic of stalkers, but I thought it would be funny if stalkers had a rule book, sort of a crash course in Stalking 101. They always tend to do the same things, so I was wondering where they learned this from. Not to mention that I have an overactive imagination. Allow me to present to you a little post I like to call So You Think You Can Stalk?

Good Afternoon class and welcome to Stalking 101. My name is Professor I.M. Watchinu. If you haven't taken the required prerequisite classes of Obsession 202 and Inappropriate Displays of Affection 215, please leave the class now. This is a high level course and is not suitable for amateurs or people in love. Feel free to reenroll once that relationship goes sour. For those of you that remain, please take a look at the required media located on your syllabus. You must purchase Fatal Attraction and Single White Female. In addition, A Thin Line Between Love and Hate will be a prominent part of the class discussion.

I want to start you out with an overview of what we will be covering this semester. In the first week, we will be teaching various methods of watching someone without being detected. This includes but is not limited to, subtle glances, dark sunglasses, hiding in the library and my personal favorite, the drive by. Are there any questions so far? Yes, you in the corner in the black hoodie.

Stalker #1: What's the driveby?

Well, I'm glad you asked. A driveby is when you slowly ride by your stalkee's house or job in hopes of catching a glance of them. They can not realize you are watching, so you have to come up with a legitimate reason for being in the neighborhood in case you are confronted. For instance, if your subject works in the mall, you have to pretend you are going to buy his or her favorite artist's CD. This also gives the illusion that you have something in common with your subject.

Stalker # 1 : But what if you don't know their favorite artist?

You get out of my class right now!!! You obviously haven't taken Obsession 101. Finding that tidbit of info is fundamental to being a stalker. If you don't know at least that much then you simply like the subject, and you are not ready to stalk. Now, where was I?

Yes, the next step is the stakeout. In this course you will learn techniques on where to place yourself to acheive maximum stalkerness. You may want to sit in your car and watch the subject. This is not as easy as it sounds. You must find a poorly lit section of the parking lot to blend in with the darkness. Also with the rising gas prices, its not feasible anymore to leave your car running while you spy. For this reason, you must learn how to maximize your fluid intake and control your sweating. This is only for advanced stalkers, the amateurs will find themselves running back and forth to the restroom thus missing several observation opportunities.

Next up is the phone call. You must learn what time is best to place stalking phone calls. If your subject is a night owl, give him/her a call in the morning when they are just waking up. If they are an early riser, then call late at night. This is when your stalkee is most vulnerable and subject to make decisions that they may not normally make. Once you have established contact, you have to know what to say. In this course, we will teach you the correct verbaige to make your subject uncomfortable. Lines like "I feel like I've known you my whole life" or "You looked really good in that green dress 17 days ago." I know this is the first day of class, but I want to hear some of your best stalker lines, so I know what I'm working with. Any volunteers?

Stalker #2 - "How about, girl, I've been watching you since the 3rd grade"

Stalker # 3 - "I have one. I can't wait until you make me pregnant"

Very good, class!!! I see you have experience. I would caution you though to be a little more subtle. You don't wanna give away the fact that your a stalker right away. Remember stalking is a marathon, not a sprint. Hopefully by the time midterms come around, you'll see the difference. Okay, lets continue with our stalking syllabus.

Next up is the inappropriate gift. This one trips up many potential stalkers. You have two schools of thought here and I will teach them both. First, you have the practical gift givers. These stalkers like to give gifts that their subject can actually use. Gifts like off brand cologne, ties, scarves, lingerie, and the list goes on and on. Then you have the sentimental gift givers. These people like to give handmade cards, flowers, jewelry, and my personal favorite, poetry.

Stalker 4: Which school of thought are you in, Professor Watchinu?

Well, I like to mix things up and pick from both types. For instance, for my Senior Stalking Thesis, I made my stalkee a mixtape of her favorite Luther Vandross songs. I also got her some perfume from Target and topped it off with 12 dozen yellow roses. I sent it to her office building on a day that she had an important meeting. I don't expect any of you to be this advanced yet, but hopefully I can teach you to think outside of the box.

Stalker 4 - That was amazing! I hope I can be just as big of a stalker as you are!

Stalker 5 - What other tips do you have for us aspiring stalkers?

Well, if you look on your syllabus, the last section is entitled Miscellaneous. The last 2 weeks of class are going to be intense. You will learn things like how to be a non romantic stalker, you know when you just stalk your friends. Also, I'll teach you how to react to your first restraining order. Here's a preview of that one: It's just a piece of paper. Finally, I'll tell you what to do if your stalkee actually gives in.

Stalker 4 - I've heard about that happening, but I've never experienced it. What do you do in a case like that?

Stalker 5 - I usually come down with some sort of erectile dysfunction. Is that an acceptable approach to getting the girl of your dreams?

You are on the right track. ED is a common reaction, but there are other things to consider as well, such as going crazy, locking hin/her up in your basement, or ruining their lives because they are actually human, and not worthy of being on a pedestal. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. You aren't gonna learn to be a stalker overnight.

This course is going to teach what you need to know, but a lot of it comes from you. For this reason, class participation is a must. I want everyone to start a stalking journal and fill it with the details of your obsession. Extra credit if you come up with something I haven't seen. Let me just say, I think I've seen it all from writing in blood, to writing in iambic pentameter, to sketchbooks. It will take a lot to surprise me, but I believe you have the potential to do it.

Since its the first day of class, I'll let you leave early. But before I do, are there any questions? Remember there's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.

Stalker # 6 - Professor Watchinu, why must we stalk people?

Great question! Stalkers fill a very important role in our society It is our duty to stalk because people need to feel wanted. Without us, the normal and well adjusted would not know what true passion is. Everyone needs to be stalked at least once to feel that rush of life. Its the sheer fear that we cause- that lets them know that they are truly alive. All right class, if there are no further questions, I'll see you next week. Make sure you bring a candid picture of subject preferably taken with a cell phone camera or a long lens camera. And if you can find a baby picture, that's even more extra credit. Class dismissed.

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