Monday, August 14, 2006

An Amateur Analysis

There was a marathon of Alfred Hitchcock movies on Encore this weekend. A number of his films deal with the subject of psychology. One in particular that I watched was “Spellbound”, which dealt with psychoanalysis. As I sat up all night thinking, I couldn’t help but start analyzing myself. Here are some of my amateur findings.

Why am I so anti social?

This really confounds me because once I know someone I can talk to them for hours about any subject. I just can’t seem to initiate conversation with people. I thought about the root of this condition and I think it started at age 12. That’s when I moved from Spring Valley, New York to Savannah, Georgia. It was a total culture shock for me at the time. It’s not like today, when people are familiar with the other parts of the country via music and videos; I had no clue what the South was like and I didn’t fit in at all. Accordingly, I began to retreat into myself and become more of an observer than an actual participant in social settings. This was around the same time I was entering puberty, an important time in a child’s social development. I hypothesize that this was the root of my anti social behavior.

Why do I push people away?

It is way too easy for me to cut people out of my life. I mean, you may not even know that’s what I’m doing, but next thing you know, you haven’t heard from me in 6 months. Why is that? Why do I push people away? Since this, is supposed to be self analysis, I won’t talk about what other people do to make me push them away, but I will say that I am repulsed by neediness. I think this is because I have always been so independent and seek like minded individuals to be in my circle. If I sense my freedom being infringed on, I take steps to regain it. I know often times this is all in my mind and people are not trying to take my life over, but subconsciously, I react accordingly.

Why do I always fall for women who are already involved with someone?

I think I have a subconscious fear of commitment. Perhaps, that’s why I choose to be involved with women with boyfriends. It’s like I know that nothing serious can come from it, so there is no chance of me getting too deep. But that’s where my conscious and subconscious minds butt heads because I do get deep, sometimes too deep. My conscious mind wants the traditional man and wife thing, but subconsciously, I seem to do things to ensure that doesn’t happen. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence. Maybe these women have something special about them individually that I find irresistible. I’ll have to do some more thinking on this one.

Why am I so stubborn?

I think this goes back to me being anti social to an extent. I always had a good relationship with myself since I wasn’t trying to fit in a group with anybody. I have a strong sense of who I am and I celebrate my individuality. I like what I like and I don’t care who knows it. I try not to pander to popular beliefs. I think I am the coolest muhfucka alive, even if nobody else thinks it. So from there, I kinda developed a whole “I am always right” persona. I know logically that I am not always right, but it takes an act of Congress to prove to me otherwise. You gotta really come with it to get me to change my mind. That’s not to say that I am dogmatic. I understand where people are coming from and I often will agree to disagree. I respect everyone’s right to have opposing viewpoints, but I generally won’t change my mind. I have been doing a better job over the last year (coinciding with my blogging) of actually admitting to myself when I am wrong. The next step is admitting that to others.

What’s the deal with my procrastination?

I am always late. I can always find something to do to stop me from doing the thing I am supposed to be doing. This isn’t just work. I’m like this in most areas of my life. If I am supposed to be somewhere at 9, I won’t leave the crib until 9:10. I really don’t know why. This was the one area that I could not come with an amateur diagnosis for. I was searching the internet for possible reasons, but they didn’t seem to apply to me. Its not depression; I am always content. It’s not low sense of self worth; have you read my blog and seen how arrogant I am? I don’t have ADD, or a learning disorder and I don’t consider myself lazy. I just could not come up with a reason for my extreme procrastination. I’ll have to continue to analyze my behavior and hope I can come up with something to change this.

I probably could analyze myself on a myriad of other topics, but this post is getting too long. Now that I have identified some of my issues, the next step is to do something about them. To me that is the hard part. It’s all well and good to admit that, but how do I change some of these behaviors? Do I even want to or am I comfortable with who I am? My problem with psychology is that you can always figure out what the problem is, but I don’t know if you can undo who you essentially are. That’s why people stay in therapy for their whole lives. Anyway, thanks for reading this self indulgent post.

It was written…


Anonymous Diva (in Demand) said...

See! I told you that you were interesting. I'm not sure you'll find a reason for procrastination. I think it's just part of a personality.

Mon Aug 14, 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger JoJo D. said...

See, this is why I say that you MUST be my long lost Saggitarius twin, Tcas. We are so alike in so many ways, except I don't push people away, and I try NOT to be so antisocial.

I think most of the time, I be full of my own shit, so...

But I've noticed that Saggitarius men and women are quite opposite when it comes to love, though. Sag men will leave a woman cold and won't give a reason why he's not vibing on her anymore. Whereas, Sag women (me) will offer up the best explanation that we can as our reason(s) for not wanting to see/be with a particular man anymore. When a Sag man is through (with a woman), he's THROUGH. No ifs, ands, or buts. But when a Sag woman is through (with a man), she feels the need to explain it to him. That's weird aint it?

Mon Aug 14, 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger Knockout Zed said...

If you're gonna be afraid of anything, committment is a good place to start!


Mon Aug 14, 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger blue butterfli said...

EXTREMELY interesting.

I think I'll let all the other blog psychologist have this case. I'lljust thank you for the insight and keep it movin'. (LOL)


Mon Aug 14, 12:29:00 PM  
Blogger NegroPino™ said...

Good assessment nobody knows u like yourself......I cant fathom how a sexy single succesful man like yourself is scared of commitment and of people?

Mon Aug 14, 12:48:00 PM  
Blogger Miz JJ said...

You need to analyze why you only eat once a day. That's right I really won't let that go. Lol.

Seriously, very interesting post. I think that people who can't be alone have issues so the fact that you are anti-social isn't that big to me.

Mon Aug 14, 01:33:00 PM  
Blogger Miss Ahmad said...

not that i could possibly analyze you, however i find writers as whole to be anti social, and i find therapy does wonders:-)

more importantly if there was a blog ski weekend could you be social enough to attend?

Mon Aug 14, 01:49:00 PM  
Blogger Honey-Libra said... least you know or you think you know why you are the way that you are :)

Mon Aug 14, 02:48:00 PM  
Blogger onefromphilly said...

I'm not a psycologist, but I play one at work and in blog land, so here we go... The way I see it is:
Your anti-social (only to a small degree)
Your a procrastinator (admittedly)
Your stubborn
Your not ready for committment
You don't like needy people

Hmmmm, you know these things, you've admitted these things, yet you seem to be a relatively happy, well adjusted person. So my diagnosis is THIS IS WHO YOU ARE AND YOU'RE OK.
That will be $50. LOL

Mon Aug 14, 02:53:00 PM  
Blogger Blah Blah Blah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Mon Aug 14, 04:26:00 PM  
Blogger Blah Blah Blah said... baby baby....I am disappointed....
...but since you don't know me and I don't know doesn't matter...LOL

I am not stubborn.....I am just set in my ways! LOL I only procrastinate when I don't want to do it to begin with. I support you on that last paragraph.


Mon Aug 14, 04:28:00 PM  
Blogger nikki said...

i feel compelled to answer this, primarily from what you said in the last paragraph.

bottom line, you are who you want to be. if these issues have created a pattern of disatisfaction in your life then you'll find the motivation to change them. if you're happy with you as you are right now, then it comes down to making those 'issues' work in your favor. however, judging from this entry it seems you've reached somewhat of an impasse with these things about you in that somehow they are preventing you from being as happy as you envision yourself being. ultimately, i don't think it's about eliminating these things from your emotional makeup. it just means taking away the strength of these issues and their ability to affect your life negatively. that's not changing you, it's evolving you.

just my opinion.

Mon Aug 14, 05:23:00 PM  
Blogger i like liquor and tv said...

I don't think it's that deep. I think the answer to most of your questions is simply....You hate people.

I'm the same way. People annoy me. And to avoid being annoyed, I stay away from idiots. And since most people are idiots, I stay away from most people.

Mon Aug 14, 05:44:00 PM  
Blogger fallen angel said...

wow! those are some pretty good questions for a person to ask themself. we bloggers are indeed an interesting cast of characters. some of us are so interesting that we should star in our own sitcom... sir cas, get to writing! you and nikki are good with elaborate story-telling. i'll be waiting for the finished project... ;-)

Mon Aug 14, 05:50:00 PM  
Blogger Nika Laqui said...

T. I push marks away as well, for various reasons, such as, my freedom or if I feel like I'm falling for someone.

Also, I find myself dealing with men with girlfriends...never a man with a wife...I feel like as long as the union doesn't have GOD in it, then they're just dating. But I guess the saying is true, "Nobody wants you til you got somebody"...I'm still trying to figure out why when I like someone, I just can't have them, I have to rid them of a bitch first...*lol*

I procrastinate as well...just because, sometimes I feel like it!..

And yes, I'm stubborn. Don't know where that came from cause I'm not the only child. I just want it how I want it, and if not FUCK IT!

Mon Aug 14, 05:51:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ diva (in demand) - interesting, huh? I agree that procrastination is part of my personality, its just not a part that I particularly like.

@ JoJo - that is weird, twin, but its true. when im done, I'm done

@ KZ - LOL, I'm also scared of midgets and conjoined twins.

@ blue butterfli - keep it movin' where?

@ negropino - I think the commitment fear comes from being hurt the only time I really put myself out there.

@ miz jj - I eat when I get hungry.LOL you really aint gonna let that one go are you? I like being by myself, but that can make for a very lonely old age.

@ honey-libra - these are just educated guesses, I could be completely wrong

@ onefromophilly -I been meaning to ask how come you dont have a blog? Do you accept stolen, posted checks for payment?

@ blah blah blah - why you disappointed? what I do?

@ nikki - thanks

@ liquor and tv - people annoy me too. But I was just trying to figure out why.

@ fallen angel - we gonna see you on the neo soul team next year? Im saying, take your own advice too. Your poetry is one of the few I can truly understand and relate to.

@ Nsane - I think we make this shit too hard. I try to live by my motto, it is what it is, but it doesnt seem to be working.

Mon Aug 14, 06:41:00 PM  
Blogger Blah Blah Blah said...

The comment about you getting involved with women than have boyfriends.
No respect regarding black love...
Your comments on Slish's post called Stand mention not being involved in drama and you were all for snitching on your boy if he was cheatin'....but here you are talking about your preference to date a woman that has a man...because it's easy to not expect anything from either parties.
Sorta's like this double standard.
I have been reading some other bloggers that were riding Slish's coattails with that post, they too have been the "other man" sad.
Just tell those chicks you mess with that you aren't down for a straight forward and stop disrespecting black love.
Karma is a careful my friend.

Other than that I think your awesome! lol

Mon Aug 14, 07:28:00 PM  
Blogger Blah Blah Blah said...

One more no way am I am judging...or maybe I am...but it's only because since I have been reading your seem like a cool dude...
By no means is my shit orderless...but bet...I ain't dating, seeing, fucking, messing around with anyone that has an "other"...whether married or not. Just bad bad bad karma.


Mon Aug 14, 07:33:00 PM  
Blogger Royce's Daughter said...

I'm here (said in my Carol Ann voice) LOL!!

You real brave analyzing yourself like that...ummmmm seriously I'm afraid to acknowledge all the ugly stuff I know about myself but hate to even admit!!!

Mon Aug 14, 08:39:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ miss ahmad - sorry, I skipped over your comment. I am down for any blog get together b/c I feel comfortable with you all.

@ blah - I feel what your saying, and that was part of my analysis of myself. Its not something that I intentionally do, but since it continues to happen I have to see why. I thank you for coming at me real. I think what I said on Slish's post is that I wasnt being nobody's alibi. And I wouldnt ask anybody to get involved in my mess either.

Mon Aug 14, 08:40:00 PM  
Blogger fallen angel said...

THANK YOU so much for the compliment sir cas! i really am humbled and appreciative (especially because i remember reading once that you didn't get into poetry like that). uh, yeah. no slam team for me. too caught up in finishing this ph.d. everytime i start memorizing pieces, i start feeling guilty about not focusing on school... but that doesn't mean that i won't be here in full effect next year! hopefully, you (and some of my other favorite bloggers) will be there jumping up and down with me! :-)

Mon Aug 14, 11:44:00 PM  
Blogger Knockout Zed said...

Black love is a myth like the tooth fairy and Ryan Seacrest's heterosexuality.


Tue Aug 15, 08:40:00 AM  
Blogger onefromphilly said...

I won't ever have a blog of my own. I can only tell a good story in person, i have to act it out and set the scenes. I'm too physical with a story and that doesn't work out too well in writing. I enjoy your writing and all the other bloggers I visit daily.
@ZED Black love is alive and well, it ain't living in my house but I know it exists!! LOL

Tue Aug 15, 09:59:00 AM  
Blogger Mocha_Grl said...

As your psychologist Dr. Mocha is pleased with your progress.
Dr. Mocha would also like to take you back to kindergarten and teach you about the food groups (nope I'm not gonna let it go either)

Tue Aug 15, 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger Tenacious said...

Wow what can I say that hasn't already been said?! Hmmm, we're alike in more ways for one but I hate being late for something. I will put off something but it depends on the importance.

Oooh you should psychoanalyze me!

@T, yeah I saw the tixs were $175 and up, which I would pay for but they're only selling one and if you saw the venue you'd cry and then be pissed at the money you shelled out for the tix. Place is actually a dump. So it's baseball bat time I go.

*sigh* @ the engagement. It's still new to me. And I'm not a softie, I was just extremely surprised. I expected the 18th not the 10th.

Tue Aug 15, 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

WTF @ Zed's comment. I just totally lost my train of thought.

Tue Aug 15, 10:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey at least you can identify why you do things you do. That is a step in becoming a better person.

Tue Aug 15, 01:41:00 PM  
Blogger chele said...

I'm not even going to touch this one. Just wanted to let you know I was here.

Tue Aug 15, 02:34:00 PM  
Blogger princessdominique said...

That's an indepth analysis. It's got to be a good thing though to know yourself that well. Most people don't realize that much.

Tue Aug 15, 07:36:00 PM  
Blogger T. Cas said...

@ fallen - i meant it, luv.

@ KZ - LMAO, I think its realer than Seacrest.

@ tenacious - you should analyze that whole flirting with other people thing, especially now that you engaged.

@ stilt - that was a crazy ass comment

@ 30pregnantandlivingtogether - thats the first step, well see what happens next

@ chele - thats probably for the best. LOL

@ princess dominique - I do try to know myself. If I dont, then who will?

Tue Aug 15, 09:34:00 PM  
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