So You Wanna Be A Rapper???

I’m biting off my own self this time. A while back I wrote a satirical piece about a class for stalkers. This time I’m going at the music industry. Check it out.

Good Afternoon, Class. I’m Dr. Deniro. I assume everyone is here for Black Hit Records 101? Good, lets get started. In this course, you will learn how to make a hit record and get thousands if not millions of adoring fans. I’ve broken this class up into 3 sections: Rap, R&B, and Neo Soul. If you came here looking for how to breakthrough in the rock or pop music scenes, I suggest you drop this class now. We haven’t quite mastered those fields in a long time, with the exception of Hootie. Our area of expertise is with the contemporary Black music fields and we have an abundance of knowledge to share with you. So, you with the black fingernail polish and you in the shiny suit, you guys can leave now. Now that they are gone, I want to give you an overview of what we will be covering. I’ll attempt to answer any questions you have along the way.

The first thing we will cover in this class is how to make a hit Rap record. First thing, I will be teaching you is how to spot trends. This isn’t as easy as it seems. Half of making a hit record is copying what’s already out. But you have to be careful. For example, right now, if you wanna be a star, you should be from the South, or at least pretend to be. I would suggest listening to some TI or imitating Lil Jon’s synthesizer sound as a start. If you watch Rap City’s Top 10, at least 8 of the songs are gonna be from Southern rappers. You would be wise to emulate their style even if it’s not yours. This is not a new thing. A few years ago, sounding like you were from the Midwest was a surefire way to sell records. The same thing with NY and California. The important thing is to recognize what’s hot, and getting in where you fit in. Yes, you in the front row. Do you have a question?

Aspiring Rapper #1: What if you aren’t from the South? How do you make a hit then?

Great question. It doesn’t matter if you are actually from the South, Just do a collabo with a Southern rapper and you can claim their style. It worked for E 40. And do you really think Jim Jones listens to Southern rap music? It just works for record sales.

Aspriring Rapper # 2: Should I worry about a certain style of rap being over exposed? Eventually won’t people get tired of hearing only one type of music?

The most successful rappers are able to adapt to the changing tastes of the rap audience. Look at Ice Cube for example. He was a pioneer of that West Coast gangsta rap. He realized that he had to adapt and started working with the Bomb Squad outta New York. When that West Coast was resurrected with Snoop and Dre, he then switched back to being a West Coast rapper. Now a days, he is riding Lil Jon’s coattails for hits now that the South is running things. You may not have bought his album, but I bet you listened to his music in the clubs.

Another secret to being a successful rapper is money. I don’t care if you just got fired, owe your bookie $10 K, or are collecting welfare, if you want to be a successful rapper, you have to act like you have money. Materialism has been running rampant since Puffy hit the scene. You have to up the ante. If the next rapper talks about having a platinum chain, then you have to have a titanium ring. Don’t be afraid to get outlandish with it. Put diamonds on anything that will hold them. Mention an obscure type of liquor that nobody has heard about yet. Customize your car in a completely excessive way. While it may not make sense to you to have diamonds in your teeth, if you wanna sell records, you gotta do it. That’s what them Texas dudes are doing and you see how they shut down the rap game in ’06. Bottom line is this: Rap fans listen in an attempt to escape reality. It is your job as a rapper to let them live vicariously through you.

Aspiring Rapper # 2 – I don’t know how comfortable I am portraying that image. Doesn’t this contribute to the lack of morals that our youth are facing.

That may be true, but you have to remember the Rappers Code. Now I expected you to already know this before enrolling in this class, but we’ll review it. Can somebody tell me the rappers code?

Aspiring Rapper #3 – I am not a role model – Charles Barkley 1992

Very good, does anyone have anything else to add?

Aspiring Rapper # 4 – I rap about what I see, I am the ghetto CNN. – NWA -1991

That’s right too. You can’t worry about what anybody else gets from your music. Your job is to entertain and sell records. Rappers are only responsible for themselves and their economic well being. This leads me to my next point: Drugs sell themselves.

Aspiring Rapper #1 – What do you mean by that?

Quite simply, the core of your audience has either seen drug dealers, wanted to be a drug dealer or actually dealt drugs in their lifetime. Rappers have to have that larger than life Tony Montana/Frank White persona. If you look at some of the recent popular rappers, they all use drugs as their subject matter. Look at Jeezy. His entire album was about selling cocaine, and his first album did 2 million and now he trying to do 3. If you are especially clever, then you can even mention drug dealing on supposedly wholesome R&B tracks. Look at Jay-Z! On Beyonce’s song, he said he “used to run base like Juan Pierre.” Because his simile was so obscure, most people didn’t realize he was talking about drug smuggling. Now that is clever. Who even knows who Juan Pierre is?

Aspiring Rapper #3 – Who is Juan Pierre?

He is a baseball player for the Florida Marlins and he is known for stealing bases. The simile is comparing Jay-Z’s aptitude for selling drugs to Juan’s aptitude for running the bases in baseball. I wouldn’t suggest any of you to try to do something like this just yet; that is an advanced example of talking about drugs on the record.

Class: AAAAAHH!!!

There are a few other things you need to do if you want a hit record. Make sure people can dance to your music. You may be a lyrical genius, but unfortunately that doesn’t sell. You have to get the ladies on the dance floor. This means that you have to dumb it down. Make sure you have a repetitive hook that people can easily remember. Hit songs are not meant to make the audience think, but make them move. Look at Laffy Taffy... or Shoulder Lean…or Chicken Noodle Soup. These songs are about dancing. You can expect to hear these tracks at 1 AM at the club. They aren’t gonna make you any smarter, but they will make you rich. You may lose your hip hop credibility, but really, who needs respect from some backpackers when you have loot in a briefcase?

Aspiring Rapper # 3 – Some of my favorite rappers used to have lyrics of substance and still get the crowd moving. Why can’t I do that?

I’m sorry, but times have changed. Kids now a days don’t wanna hear that Native Tongue stuff. It’s all about the beat, not the lyrics. De La Soul may have been the shit, but did they ever get rich? It’s all about priorities. If you want to struggle to make a living and constantly change record labels for the sake of your art, go right ahead, but I think you are in the wrong class. You may want to go check out “Hip Hop Purity” being taught by KRS ONE down the hall. This class is all about making hits.

I think we need a break. When we come back, we will go over how to make a hit R&B record. I’ll give you a hint: it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with talent. We’ll meet back here in 5 minutes.

It was written…