The New Cast of Characters

I was in training at work today, bored out of my skull, so I decided to start writing down my observations of the people around me. Work is going pretty well, with the exception of being more advanced than some of the other people in my training class and having to wait for them to catch up. I haven't been able to feel out the whole internet policy just yet, so until then, I'll just be blogging from home, so don't be surprised if you see comments at 4 AM on your spot. Yeah, I still don't sleep at night. Anyway, here are some of the characters I've run across in my 3 days at my new spot.

Compulsive Cursing Guy - This dude sits next to me and every other word out of his mouth is either damn, ass, or mothafucka... I don't think he even realizes he is doing it. I wonder if he has Tourette's or something, cuz he is loud with it. Here's an example from today... "Deez muhfuckas is crazy. They think my ass is gonna read all this damn paperwork. Sheeeiiittt!!" He also likes to talk about all the "bad bitches" in the building. That was a quote, so dont get mad at me. LOL

Washed Up R&B Singer - There's a dude who is a singer for a group that I have heard of, but can't name any of their songs. I wouldnt recognize him if I saw their video on TV, but apparently other people know them. He loves to talk about when he was on 106 and Park and had a hit single and sing for the ladies and how his group is looking for a new label. I wonder if its real, but I'm too lazy to look it up.

Mississippi - I can't ever remember this girl's name, but I know she is from Mississippi, so that's what I call her. She is the touchy feely type. At first, I thought it was me, cuz on the first day, she had rubbed on my arm, but I notice that she's like that with everybody. She is pretty cool, in a I don't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth way. Our conversations are peppered with huh? and what'd you say?

Los Tres Amigos - There are three Hispanic women who always talk to each other in a mixture of English and Spanish. They don't talk to anybody else really, and I suspect that English is their second language, because they tend to leave out certain vowels when they read or write. They don't talk to the the next one in the group.

The Texican - Her heritage is Mexican, but if anybody asks where she is from, she says.. Texas in a tone that says how dare you assume I'm Mexican. I feel where she is coming from, but people keep asking her about her nationality. It's pretty politically incorrect, I guess.

The Gay Stereotype - Flame on, Flame off.. He introduced himself to the group by telling us about how he found the love of his life 6 months ago, and showed a picture of his boyfriend. Often says ridiculous Gay Stereotypical statements, like today when he told somebody, "chile I got 6 words for you... To The Left, To The Left.." complete with snapping fingers and neck roll. Oh, yeah, this guy is White.

The Guy That Stabbed Someone 37 Times - We were doing an ice breaker thing, and we had to play this game called Two Truth's and A Lie. Basically, you say 2 true things and one lie and the group has to figure out which one was a lie. One of this guys things was that he stabbed someone 37 times when he was 13. And that was not the lie. I'm watching my back around this cat. I never know when he might snap. Plus he mumbles when he talks so I don't know what he is saying. He could be talking to Satan or something.

The Overexcited Management Team - I can't describe just any one of them, but it seems like all the management from the VP down are drinking the Kool-Aid. It's a huge difference from my last spot where nobody ever seemed happy, and jealousy and back stabbing was a way of life. Don't tell anybody, but I think cynical T. Cas actually kind of likes their energy.

The Girl That Looks Good Sometimes - I only been at the spot a few days but this girl goes from looking good to looking bad at least 3 times a day. I dont know what it is. I think there was an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry was dating a girl like that.

100 Guns 100 Clips (I'm from New York) - This girl is from New York. She says it at least 3 times a day. I swear she looks for opportunities to bring that up. Like if someone says, nice weather we are having... this girl will say the weather is nice in New York. If someone is talking about the ride to work, she will say in New York, we rode the train.

The Overacheiving Security Guard - Son is like Supercop. He is the cell phone and parking lot police. Please don't pull out your phone in the Atrium and let him see you on the camera. He will come running after you to tell you to put your phone away. And God forbid you park in the visitor spots, he will call a tow truck in a second. Not to mention he is about 6'9" and 350 pounds and will intimidate the hell outta you. I mean, not me, cuz I'm a manly man, but other people. LOL

There are so many more characters... but I think I would be writing all day if I tried to describe all of them. The building is huge and I have already seen 4 or 5 people I knew from before I started working there. The only thing I don't like so far is that if I leave the building for lunch, there are no parking spaces by the building and I have to park in a lot that is so far away it might as well be in Africa and take a 5 minute walk to the building. All in all, I can't complain. I'm glad to have gainful employment and have something to do all day besides sit on my computer. Y'all be easy and have a great weekend.

It Was Written...

Turkey and all that stuff...

It's 4 AM and I am still stuffed from Thanksgiving dinner. I know alot of y'all like to make fun of me for not eating, but I more than made up for it today. I could give you a mini recap of my Thanksgiving, but it was probably just like yours: Football, food and most importantly family. So, let me think of something else to write about.... Let's see... I can't think of anything so that means one thing. It's time for random thoughts...

Scrabble Blast is the most addictive thing I have experienced since NCAA College Football '05 on the PS2. I literally was up all night playing that. Does that make me a nerd? I'll be that...

I need to start training myself to go to sleep earlier. Got to be at work at 8AM on Tuesday. That's gonna kill me.

Michael Richards.... sigh... I ain't got nothing else to say about him that hasnt already been said.

I haven't taken my Yahoo Music Engine off of shuffle since I did that tag the other day. It's interesting to go from Ice Cube to Nina Simone to John Mayer in three songs.

Why did I just find out that my first cousin lives in the Atlanta area yesterday? I really suck at family.

Anybody got any insulin? I think my brothers "punch" gave me sugar shock. I taught you well, young'n.

So you finally decided to let me hold you with crying???

Am I obligated to respond to a mass text message? Should I send one out to everyone in my phone book?

I need to get my PS2 back. I ain't used to getting beat like that. I need to practice.

I don't know if I could live that close to Stroker's without going at least once a month.

Just cuz it's Thanksgiving, people can't get on IM? You aint tired of your families yet?

O.J., you need to be glad they cancelled your show and book. Da hell was you thinking?

Welcome to Atlanta... where the police will kill yo ass... even if you are 92 years old.

Quit cutting down all the trees. And if you must cut down the trees can you at least wait until noon so the unemployed amongst us can sleep?

Still listening to my music on shuffle... James Brown's Funky Drummer is playing. I remember when every other rap song sampled that beat.

I hate the Falcons... 3 Ls in a row? At least I'm still anihilating the competition in the Yahoo Pick 'em league.

Oh, shit.. "Barbara's Bedroom"!! I don't remember downloading this. Anybody remember the group Whistle?

Hypothetically, if you don't show up for Thanksgiving dinner, do you deserve a take home plate?

Not so hypothetically, I don't think so...but I'm still gonna take it.

Aiight, that's enough random thoughts for one night. I'm bout to play some more Scrabble Blast and listen to music. I'll start the whole sleeping thing next week. Hope everybody had a Happy Thanksgiving and if you going out for the sales, have fun and be safe. One!!!

It was written...

The Soundtrack Of My Life/Musical Shares

Got a couple of music tags for ya. First off, I told Tenacious I was gonna steal this from her and then The Goddess tagged me up with it.. So, I'll call this one...

The Soundtrack Of My Life

The Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "Never Felt This Way" Brian McKnight - Who downloaded this one?

Waking Up: "Son of San" - L.E.G.A.C.Y (Justus League) Probably the first of many Justus League joints. I have them all over my computer

First Day At School: "Loop Diggin 101" - 9th Wonder - See another Justus League track

Falling In Love: "Caravan of Love" - Isley Brothers - Is this Isley Jasper Isley?

Fight Song: "My Home Atlanta" - Canibus - I thought I deleted his folder awhile ago...

Breaking Up: "Gotcha" Camp Lo feat Tyler Woods - This is a hot song, I need to get the rest of the album

Prom: "For The Love Of You" - Isley Brothers - More Isleys, I can dig it

Life is good: "Pay the Price (version 3)" - Ed O.G. & 9th Wonder - Another Justus League joint. I'm starting to sound like a groupie

Mental Breakdown: Pursuit of the Pimpmobile - Isaac Hayes - All the Ike I got, and this one pops up???

Driving: "Been A Long Time" - Quan - Mixtape ish!!!

Flashback: "Do It Again" Chaundon - Justus League again... I need to take that folder out the library.

Getting Back Together: E.T. (Extraterrestial) - Outkast - Not sure what this has to do with getting back together, but I love Outkast (except that Idlewood stuff)

Wedding: "Woman" - James Brown- I don't remember this song, but its in the files

Birth of Child: "In The Waiting Line" - Zero 7 - I heard this joint in the movie Garden State and had to download a bunch of their stuff. It's different than other stuff I listen to, but I dig it.

Final Battle: "Feelin On Yo Booty (remix) - R. Kelly - I guess the final battle takes place at a strip club. LOL

Funeral Song: "Lovely" - Boyz II Men - I couldnt get "So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday"?

End Credits: "Let's Get Down" - Tony! Toni! Tone! feat DJ Quik - That's a good song to end the movie. It got a certain bounce to it.

Now since I'm doing the whole shuffle thing, I had this one in the archives so I might as well pull it out and give it a try. We'll use the same rules as above. I'll call this one...

Musical Shares (Corny, I know, but its almost 4 AM, so forgive me.)

1. How does the world see me ? "I C U" - A Tribe Called Quest - LOL, That's Irony, Nigga!!!

2. Will I have a happy life ? "London Skies" - Jamie Cullum - I need to check the lyrics to this song, but I like it.

3. What do my friends really think of me ? "Cradle to the Grave" - Mobb Deep - Either this means they want me to die or that they are down with me to the end.

4. Do people secretly lust after me ? "Fish Net" - Morris Day and The Time - I'm just gonna say this means chicks in Fish Net lust after me... You hear me....women in fish nets. LMAO

5. How can I make myself happy ? "Don't Change" -Karen Clark Sheard - Yeah, is this gospel? My brother must have downloaded this one. I'm not familiar with this song

6. What should I do with my life ? Babylon - Outkast - I came into this world high as a bird/from second hand cocaine/powder, I know it sounds absurd/ I never tooted but its in my veins - Don't know what that has to do with my life, but I love the lyrics to this song.

7. What is some good advice for me ? Let Me Ride - Dr Dre - I always take my advice from the D-R-E... He also told me that B*tches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. LOL

8. How will I be remembered ? The Righteous Way To Go - Edgar Allan Floe - I like the title and the song... but that has to be one of the corniest rap names ever.

9. What is my signature dancing song ? Take It As Loss - Consequence ft Kanye West - If I tried to dance, it really would be a loss

10. What do I think my current theme song is ? The Last Real Nigga Alive (remix) Nas and 9th Wonder - Well, maybe not the last, but I can dig the concept

11. What does everyone else think my current theme song is ? No Vaseline - Ice Cube - I guess I'm bout to start going on profanity filled tirades about people.

12. What song will play at my funeral ? Forever - R. Kelly - As in I'll be dead forever??? I don't know about this choice.

13. What type of women do I like ? Presidential - Young Dro - I just downloaded this CD, so I dont really know what the song is about. I think it means I wanna get with Hilary Clinton or Shirley Chisolm for my old school readers. LOL

14. What is my day going to be like ? Scandalous - Prince - I like the sound of that, but more than likely, I wont run into any scandal today.

There ya have it. A peek into the stuff that's on my computer. Nothing too strange popped up that I would have to explain further. Thank God, no Britney Spears or Travis Tritt popped up. LOL Anybody that needs something to post, feel free to grab this. By the way, this is the Justus League's website, in case anybody was wondering.

It was written...

Nothing To See Here

Yeah, so I have nothing to talk about but I'm gonna blog anyway, cuz that's what I do. Today begins my last week of sitting around doing nothing. I start work next week. I just don't know where yet. I had my third interview at a spot this morning and they are talking about making the final decision this week. But since its a holiday week, I doubt I'll hear from them before next week. I'm okay with it even if they don't call me right away, because I already got one job in the bag. It's like the backup prom date, the one you ask to go while you wait to see if the popular girl will accept you.

Thanksgiving is Thursday and I still don't know what my plans are. I do know that I am not going to Savannah. They aren't cooking this year. So, I will either be hanging with my brother and sister if we can get something together or with my friend Collipark or both. I'm not above eating two Thanksgiving dinners and taking lots of take out plates home. I'm a last minute kinda guy so that's still up in the air.

Saturday is my birthday. I will be 32 years old. Again, don't know what I'm doing, but whatever it is, I hope I have some fun. I need to blow off some steam. Someone was going to throw me a party, but I waited too long. Anybody who wants to get me a gift, I'll gladly accept. That new Playstation 3 is out. LOL

See, I told you I had nothing to talk about. Move along, there's nothing to see here.

It was written...

Eye Candy

I alluded yesterday to the females that were at the spot at the job I accepted. First, don't take this too seriously, I'm not going to date women that I work with. At least that's the plan. But since we all spend so much time at the office, and I'm not exactly the social butterfly, who knows? This is just an exercise to test my power of observation and recall. All names have been changed just in case they ever find out about my blog, cuz I suck at keeping it a secret.

Lauryn

She walked up behind me as I was entering the building. Of course, I stepped back and held the door for her. She said "thank you" in a raspy voice, like she was yelling all night. As we signed in at the security desk, I visually took her in. Just something I do, I'm always looking. She was wearing a black pant suit with grey pinstripes and a white button up shirt that probably should have had one more button done for an interview. But I wasn't complaining. Her skin was the color of deep dark chocolate and the little makeup she was wearing gave her face an effortless shine, like Lauryn Hill in "The Ex Factor" video, hence the name. She was about 5' 5", I don't know how to gauge weight, but she was slender, but not to the point of looking anorexic. At first glance I pegged her to be about 23, but after we talked, I'm thinking maybe 27.

I sat across the lobby from her with my pre interview game face on. She sat with her legs crossed, right over left and shaking. She struck me as being nervous. I noticed that her lips were the almost the same color of her skin, and they had that familiar MAC look to them, you know where they look shiny, but if you touch them they are a little sticky? Her eyes were artificially brown, what one of my exes used to call Chesnut Brown, and her freshly permed hair was real and lingered on the nape of her neck loosely curled. She came over to where I was and sat down next to me.

"Hey, I'm Lauryn (again not her real name). What are you interviewing for?"

I introduced myself and we made small talk. She revealed that she was indeed nervous, as she didn't think she had the necessary qualifications. We talked about nothing of consequence, just idle chatter to pass the time. I noticed that undone button again as she sat close to me, but this time I also noticed the outline of a black Victoria Secret's bra, peeking through her shirt. It was one of those invisible ones that Tyra was wearing in that commercial a couple of years ago. Not that I was paying that much attention to it. LOL. They called me first, and as I got up, to meet the HR lady, I said...

"Good luck and nice meeting you."

She stopped me and put a scrap of paper in my hand. Her hands were soft and left behind a lingering fragrance of jasmine.

"Hey, call me and let me know if you get the job."

"Aiight, I'll do that."

And with that I went to my interview with a momentary swagger.

I was planning on writing about the other eye candy, but i don't feel like anymore. Maybe I'll do that later this weekend.

It was written...

Today's Miscellania

Peace Fam! I just got back home, so I guess I should tell you about my day. I had an interview at 8 AM this morning. It was way up in Duluth, so I figured I should leave early to avoid traffic and make sure I'm not late. You know tardiness is one of my things, but I didnt think it was an appropriate first impression. I woke up at 5:15 and was out of the house by 6:30. I figured I would get there by 7:30. It's better to be early than late right? Well, there was no traffic so by 7 o clock, I'm sitting in the parking lot with an hour to kill, yawning cuz I got 2 hours of sleep again. My stomach was growling so I headed off to find a McDonald's to get a McGriddle. (No Syn, I didn't eat last night and I didn't go to sleep either.) I'm looking around for a nearby restaurant, but I can't find one and by then the streets were getting crowded, so I just charged it and headed back to the spot. I go inside and sit in the lobby for what seems like an eternity before they come out. Long story short, I killed in the interview, but they still want me to come back on Monday for a third interview with the president of the company. I hope I get this one. There's no eye candy there like at the other job I got ( I forgot to tell you all about the eye candy), but they pay more.

It's now 10:00, and I call my sister to get directions to her kids' school. They were having a Thanksgiving lunch today with family and since she had to work, and I dont have no damn job, I went in her place. I found the school and finally found a place to park without getting too lost, which is a miracle in itself. My ex brother in law and my sister in law were there too. My niece and nephew were glad to see me, which made me feel good. I don't know if I would have wanted family at school with me when I was 9 and 10. I ate lunch with my nephew, (although his greedy behind ate most of my food), walked around the school with him and then headed home. Sorry, no pictures, my batteries died in my camera.

So, I'm trying to find my way home, because I didnt have the forsight to print directions home from the school and I suddenly get the urge to vomit. But I'm stuck in traffic at a red light in the middle lane with cars on both sides of me. I'm trying to hold it, but it aint working. I had to get out of my car in the middle of the street and run to a trash can on the sidewalk. Horns are honking, people are shooting me dirty looks, but I couldnt help it. It was either that, or throw up all over my car. Aiight, so I run back to the car, cuz the light is green now and I'm holding up traffic. Somehow, I make a wrong turn and wind up back in the middle of downtown. Great, I'm lost...again. I'm drove around downtown Atlanta trying to find 75N, dizzy as hell, mouth smelling foul, head spinning, just out of it. I finally found the highway and now I'm home. I'm bout to lay down and regroup and I'll check all of you out later. Have a good one!!!

It was written...

I Don't Usually Do This Kind Of Post...

But I was IM'ing a few minutes ago and someone sent me a link to a Colorgenics Profile. I took the test, and I was amazed at the accuracy of both mine and hers. Blown away, really. Here is the link to the test and what it said about me.

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

You are experiencing considerable difficulty trying to achieve your goals. As a consequence of this you are becoming more and more irritable. Your friends and acquaintances are finding it increasingly more difficult to appease or to reason with you. You are the cause of your own problems. Don't be so impulsive. It is your vacillation that can lead to problems and uncertainties. Ease up a little.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

Damn, that is like the FBI profile of me. Everything you wanted to know about Rashan, but were scared to ask. Let me know if you take the test, and if its accurate for you too.

It Was Written...

Open Letter part 3

Sup' son? You feel better now? Do you think that was the right way to handle it? I'm sure you are sitting down right now feeling satisfied with yourself, but answer a question: Is that how you do things? Don't lie to me, man. You know damn well that ain't you. You are the cat that lets shit ride. The one that doesn't like confrontation. The one that will just not answer emails or phone calls. So why was today different?

Yeah, you can make the excuse that you didn't get no sleep. I know you were up til like 6 and had to get up at 8:30 for your interview. By the way, congrats on getting that gig today. But don't slack yet, cuz you still have that other interview on Thursday. Back to what I was saying, lack of sleep is not an excuse. You never sleep, but you haven't called folks out like that before. So, umm.. try again.

So you were frustrated? Yeah, I get that. People been telling you for months that you need to let it out. Stop being so passive, so I can appreciate where you are coming from. There's only so much you can take before you reach your boiling point. You aren't as stoic as you would like to believe. Shit, you are human too and you have your faults, but don't forget your true nature.

For real, for real? Don't do that no more. You know you don't like that mess. You define your own happiness. Other people can't do that for you. Snap out of whatever you are going through and learn acceptance. Say it with me:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

You got all that out of your system, now it's time to move on. Live your life, Rashan.

It was written...

Open Letter Pt 2

I need the two of you to go somewhere too. I know you love the drama, but I hate it. And everytime you come around, I always end up in the middle of it. So, please, no more emails and phone calls. Just let me do me. Leave me and mine alone. Did I know more that I told you? Of course, for one: it's not your business, and two: I questioned your intentions from the jump. In retrospect it seems that I was right. You just wanted to keep up the drama.

Now, you may say that you were trying to look out for me, but that is irrelevant. I'm a grown ass man, and I can handle my own shit. Your PI skills are not needed over here. Just because I dont tell you I know, doesn't mean that I don't know, ya know? I can imagine the two of you on the phone talking about what is happening. Do you feel proud that of what you set into motion? Was your aim to fuck with people's lives? If so, you succeeded. Congratu - fuckin - lations!!!

Now I know that by posting this, you will no longer be on my team and I'm cool with that. I have to escape from you guys. I thought this happened 6 months ago. I should have known that a supportive phone call would turn into another manipulation. I should have realized that we can't be friendly. I should have remembered that there is always an ulterior motive. That's my bad. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There wont be a third.

So just like in Part One of my open letter: Go away, please. I don't want to hear about who did what or who said what. You can just enjoy your little drama fest without me. I'll be just fine without it. Make believe that you don't remember my phone number or email address or the URL to my blog. Just enjoy your lives with your children and leave me out of it.

It was written...

Open Letter

I suppose it's my turn to be evil and mean spirited. I should seize the opportunity to say what I have been wanting to say for months, but have not said because I am too nice. I should point out the hipocracy that emanates from your very being. I should tell everyone why I don't mess with you and haven't for awhile. Perhaps I should give specific examples, forward emails and IM's of your words and my responses of when this has happened numerous times in the past. If I explain myself maybe things will be put in their proper perspective.

But I'm not going to do that. If this is how you feel, then stick to it this time, the fourth time. Don't come back at me in a few weeks trying to mend fences. Don't try to get me involved with you again. Don't talk about me to other people which is the very crime that you are accusing me of. Don't jump to conclusions without talking to me, the other crime you accuse me of.

Just go away. Fade Away. No need to check me out twice an hour. You owe me no loyalty and I owe you no loyalty. Don't expect me to do what you want me to do, because as you say, I never have your back, so why should you expect me to have it now? I'm the pariah in this situation, so just move on. Don't worry about the things you did repeatedly to affect this friendship, just put all the blame on my shoulders.

I can take it. I couldn't care less if we ever talk again. You don't have to ever check out It Was Written again. You don't have to know what is going on in my life. These things do not affect you, nor should they affect you in my opinion. I don't need to read your words of anger, then your back peddling once your emotional state returns to normal. If this is the end, then let it be the end. I'm okay with that, and I hope that you are okay with that too. As I told you so often, it is what it is, so just let it be that. Go sell your poison somewhere else, cuz I am not buying it anymore. Just don't delude yourself into thinking that your actions had nothing to do with it.

It was written...

Moment of Clarity?

The area code was 912, but I didn’t recognize the number. I don’t really talk to anyone in Savannah besides my mom and grandma, so I almost didn’t answer the phone. The Georgia-Auburn game was winding down in the background as I flipped open my cell phone. The voice on the other end was vaguely familiar, like a remnant from a past life experience.

“Hi, can I speak to Shawn?”

“This is me. Who’s this?”

“Shawn, this is Traci.”

“Hey, Traci! How are ya?

I put on my fake everything is all right with me voice, as she spoke. My sense of foreboding told me that this was not a catch up call. There was a purpose to this conversation that had yet to be revealed. Although, my phone number hadn’t changed in the 3 years that elapsed since our last encounter, this was the first time I had spoken to Traci. We had no animosity; we were just two acquaintances that had drifted apart. Traci immediately got to the point, something that I always liked about her.

“Do you remember that girl Kionna you used to mess with?”

I remembered Kionna. Back in 98, we used to work together. She lived in Hinesville, about 45 minutes away from me. I was fresh out of a 3 year relationship and she was the first girl I had hooked up with subsequently. I remember she had a Winnie the Pooh tattoo on her right calf and big expressive eyes. Eyes which seldom lit up the way that God intended for them to. For all her beauty and blessings, she was not a very happy person. In fact she seemed to dwell on all the negative around her. That was a major contributing factor to us calling it quits after a few months. Well, that and the plethora of available women at my job.

“Yeah, I remember her. What about her?

“Well, she was murdered yesterday.”

“WHAT???”

“Yeah, she got killed last night. Her boyfriend shot her and her son and then shot himself.”

“I can’t believe it. Why did he do that?”

“Nobody knows. He just went crazy and killed them all.”

Then the silence took over. I didn’t know what to say or even how to feel. Kionna and I were never really close, no I love you’s were exchanged, no gifts for Valentines Day. We were just doing it, so to speak. And that was 7 years ago. So why did I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach?

“Shawn, you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Are you okay? I didn’t think you guys were that close”

“Yeah, I’m fine. That’s just fucked up. I can’t believe that she’s dead. And little Ramon, he was only like 10?”

“11. I just thought I should tell you. The funeral is gonna be some time this week if you can make it down.”

“Yeah, I don’t know yet. Let me know the details and I’ll see if I can make it.”

“I’ll do that. It would be good to see you again. Although under horrible circumstances.”

“Yeah”

“Well, I’ll let you go now. Go ahead and save this number in your phone. I don’t want another 3 years to go by before we talk again”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. And you can call anytime. I’ll talk to you soon.”

I sat back on the couch in a daze. I didn’t know how to deal with this news, on top of everything else that’s been going on. I started to feel dizzy (perhaps that was because I hadn’t eaten for the past 32 hours) and my mind started swirling. So what did I do? I put my sneakers and walked out the door. I had no idea where I was going, no destination was set, I just felt compelled to walk and think. As I made it to the front of my complex, the wind blowing in my face, I realized, I probably should have on a jacket, or at least long sleeves, but it was too late; my mission had already begun. I was gonna walk until I couldn’t walk anymore, or until certain things came into focus, whichever came first. I needed a moment of clarity…

It was written…

WTF?

Yeah, I know I was supposed to be writing another 100 things about myself, but thing # 101 is I dont always finish what I start. I finally fell asleep about 5 Am after being up for almost 36 hours straight (don't ask!) and I had this strange ass dream; it's a bit of a recurring nightmare I have. I also know that I have a blog devoted to my dreams, but I haven't written in that for a couple months either, so I'm gonna share this here. Maybe someone can tell me what this means.

So, I'm at the movies with this girl, she's nobody I know in real life, just some unidentified hot chick. We are having a good time watching a movie, but instead of being in a traditional movie theater environment, we are sitting on a red sofa watching the big screen. During the movie, we are eating Mexican food and drinking margaritas. When we leave and I take her back to her apartment, I go to give her a goodnight kiss. As we are kissing, I feel a sharp pain in my tongue and I have a feeling like I have to throw up. Suddenly my mouth fills up with grits, and as I go to spit them out, part of my tongue falls out with it. I pick up the piece of tongue and look at it, not scared, just shocked. Then I wake up sweating and my tongue hurts in real life. I have had this dream at least 5 times in the last few months and it always plays out the exact same way.

WTF is that about? I don't have any idea what that dream means, if anything. Maybe I'm just having a mini psychotic break in my sleep. I always have vivid dreams, but they usually aren't recurring like this one is. $5 to anyone who can interpret this dream for me. (offer not valid in any of the 50 states, Canada, Europe, Asia, or Africa.)

It was written...

200 Posts-200 Things About Me pt 1

This is post # 199. I'm gonna split this list up b/c I know nobody can sit there and read 200 things about me in one sitting. I hope I don't repeat any of the ones I put on my first list all those months ago. Some of these you may already know if you have been reading, some may surprise you. Without further adieu, here we go...

1. I was born in Atlanta, moved to DC when I was still a baby, then moved to New York when I was 2 or 3.
2. I moved to the South on February 1st 1986
3. It was snowing in NY when I left and 85 degrees when I landed in Savannah.
4. I hated Savannah for the first 6 years I lived there.
5. I liked Savannah when I was in college and a couple of years later, now I hate it again.
6. Because I hated Savannah, I concocted vivid fantasies about living other places in my head.
7. I remember some of the most obscure stuff.
8. For instance I remember that when I saw Robo Cop in 1987, I was wearing my Tony Dorsett Jersey and some Wrangler jeans. I also remember that I was freaked out by a scene in the movie when some guy fell in a vat of acid and started melting.
9. I used to get horrible migraine headaches as a preteen/teenager. I couldn't stand any light, so I would bury my head under a pillow.
10. I still sometimes sleep like that, headache or not.
11. When we moved to Savannah, I didn't have my own room, or any room to be exact.
12. I slept on a cot, a sofa bed, the sofa or the floor in the living room or dining room over the course of my years there.
13. We lived in a house with my grandmother and great grandmother. Add in my mom and my sister and that's 4 generations of women.
14. That taught me to leave the toilet seat down among other things
15. I still instinctively leave the toilet seat down even though I live by myself.
16. I have an older sister and a younger brother. I also have 3 step sisters that I don't ever see.
17. That's mostly my fault because I avoid them.
18. My siblings and I all have that same strange sense of humor sometimes.
19. A few years ago we had a contest to see who was the most anti social.
20. We all think we won.
21. I have 2 nephews and a niece that I don't see nearly enough, but love to death.
22. I have never been engaged, and I don't think I will ever get married.
23. It's not a conscious choice, I just don't think its in the cards for me.
24. I am a big NERD
25. I do some stupid stuff for someone who is so smart.
26. I used to not put enough effort into relationships, now I put too much effort into them.
27. I'm trying to find a happy medium.
28. Nobody believes me, but I really don't have a favorite color.
29. When pressed I always say blue, for no particular reason. I guess everyone likes blue.
30. I never used to be able to stay in between the lines when I colored.
31. I'm a natural lefty. I do everything except write with my left hand.
32 One of my teachers made me start writing with my right hand and it stuck.
33. I have terrible penmanship though. If I write something down, chances are I won't be able to read it.
34. Good thing I have a good memory. Some stuff just sticks in my brain. If I hear it, I'm likely to remember it.
35. That's how I was in school. I never studied or took notes. If I did happen to take notes, I wouldn't be able to read them anyway.
36. I failed 2 classes in high school: 9th grade geometry and 10th grade Advanced English. Both times it was because I didn't do any homework or study.
37. I had to walk home from Summer School after 9th grade in the 100 degree weather.
38. I used to be drenched with sweat by the time I got home.
39. I started listening to gangsta rap during those long walks home on my walkman. Too Short and NWA were my favorites.
40. I didn't tell anybody that I was listening to them though, cuz it went against my positive Black man vibe I had going for me.
41. I wrote my first rap as a dare in the 9th grade, cuz someone said I couldn't do it.
42. I still remember the first part of the rhyme, but it sounds mad dated. I stole my style from Big Daddy Kane. (It was '88)
43. I never ate lunch in high school. I used to hang out in the library or the chorus room.
44. That's where I developed my bad habit of only eating once a day.
45. As a freshman, I dressed in all black and never smiled so the upperclassmen would leave me alone.
46. In retrospect, I probably just looked like I had emotional problems. LOL
47. The used to call me Al B. in high school. I'm not Sure why?
48. I make corny jokes from time to time...See # 47.
49. I don't like to be touched. Sometimes I have an involuntary pull away thing that makes people mad at me.
50. I am not good at starting conversations with strangers, but once I know you, good luck trying to get me to shut up. (Ask Royce's Daughter and Blah Blah Blah about our meeting)
51. I'm very observant of what is going on around me. I often will just stop talking and watch people. (Ask Mocha and Miz JJ about our meeting)
52. I am very forgiving, but I also hold grudges. A contradiction, I know.
53. When I cut people out of my life, they don't always know it right away. I suck at straight up telling people to leave me alone.
54. If you are reading this, and think I might have cut you off, but aren't sure, chances are you have been cut off for awhile. LOL
55. I can't watch America's Funniest Videos or Jackass or any of those shows where people fall, because I feel their pain when it happens. For instance if someone falls off a skateboard, I get chill down my spine watching it. It's strange to me.
56. I cannot stand reality TV, mostly because what is portrayed as reality is not. I also don't like shows where people get voted off. Sorry, Miss Ahmad.
57. I can suspend certain parts of reality when watching tv shows or movies, but some stuff makes me say huh?
58. For example, I can watch a show about vampires or ghosts or something that I know isn't real, but if the character behaves in way that is inconsistent with how I think they would act, I'll question it.
59. I don't like most of the so called "Black" shows on TV.
60. This doesn't include The Wire, which is one of my favorite shows.
61. I have a real problem with Def Comedy Jam and Comic View. They tell the same jokes over and over. I get it...Black people and White people are different, men and women are different.
62. I used to have a problem with the word "nigga", now I say it all the time.
63. I still have a problem with people saying it around other races.
64. I don't like when I go out with people and they act like they have no hometraining.
65. I can't stand when I go out with people and they are too cheap to leave a good tip. I understand if the service was bad, but come on.. you can tip more than 10%.
66. And don't be tryna regulate my tip either. If I give a good tip, that's none of your business. Don't be subtracting from yours cuz I gave something extra.
67. I like to stay at home by myself to avoid all that drama.
68. When I do go out, I like to try new things, but I can never think of new things to do.
69. I think I'm starting to be too honest. Some stuff I should keep to myself for awhile.
70. It's very freeing, but also makes me too vulnerable.
71. I used to want to make up a rumor and see how much it changes by the time it gets back to me. I think they made a movie about that.
72. I'm not a pyromaniac... but I think it would be cool to set something on fire with a Zippo like they do in movies.
73. People tell me things I don't want to know all the time. I hear this at least once a week "I don't know why I am telling you this, but..."
74. I think and I have been told that I have a very expressive face. I don't understand why people don't realize from my look, that I don't care about what they are saying.
75. I have an oral fixation. I always have to have something in my mouth. If I'm not chewing gum or ice, I'm chewing on my pen cap or my t-shirt.
76. I have never had chitlins, pig feet, pig knuckles or any of those gross parts of the pig.
77. I can't stand cantaloupe. The smell of it makes me ill.
78. I've drank water only for the last few weeks. No soda, no kool aid, not even orange juice. Not sure why.
79. When I'm in a bad mood, it usually doesn't last for more than 24 hours. I adapt to things quickly.
80. I have trouble believing that bad things happening to good people is part of God's will.
81. When things go wrong, I tend to automatically blame myself before blaming others. Like what could I have done differently.
82. I hate the excuse/reason of bad timing. That shit always seems to happen to me.
83. It's gonna be awhile before I put my all into a(nother) relationship. I can't deal with no more heartbreak for a minute
84. But after 2 or 3 rebound girls, the next one is going to benefit from the lessons I have learned over the last year.
85. I hate losing. Competition drives me in all aspects of my life.
86. I used to compete with the other male bloggers to see how many women commented on my site. Only they didn't know they were competing. LOL
87. I used to think I was stubborn, but the last year has shown me that I am not as stubborn as I thought I was.
88. I think I do a good job of adapting to any situation.
89. I haven't paid for a CD all year.
90. I haven't gone to a club, strip or otherwise, all year.
91. I haven't had a real girlfriend all year.
92. I haven't done shit all year.
93 I haven't liked my job all year.
94. I haven't been home to Savannah all year.
95. I still haven't finished my novel or my screenplay
96. I'm starting to realize that I am not leading a real fulfilling life this year.
97. My major accomplishment for this year: falling in love and knowing that I am capable of love. That is fulfilling.
98. I think I need to leave Atlanta and get a fresh start somewhere else.
99. I write too much on my blog.
100. I'm gonna go to sleep now and think of 100 more things about me later.

It was written...

Random Thoughts From Yesterday and Today

I got another hour before my next interview so I thought I would try to post something. Since I don't have time to formulate one of my incredibly creative posts, I'm just gonna let out some of the random thoughts I've been having. This is post # 198, or if you count the 2 I deleted this is # 200. Anyway, I'll try to do something big and long for #200, but who knows.

Thanks, big sis for letting me talk to you. I know we don't usually share like that, but it was exactly what I needed.

Dude, you said sports marketing, not sports minded. You got me up here on some BS and now you want me to spend all day with you interviewing?

Your fake tan is kinda distracting, but I'll try to answer your questions.

Mocha, Tenacious, Isis - good looking out on the convos last night.

I want a webcam too.

Word? It's like that?

I'm trying to get there. I really am.

Maybe I am strong, cuz I am dealing with that news better than I thought I would.

I really am like Black Moses. They are trying to follow me out of there, but I aint got nothing for them yet.

Speaking of which, who at the old spot is reading this? I see you on my site meter. It's cool, I'm just curious.

Is it really necessary to be hammering at 8 AM? Some of us don't have jobs and want to sleep.

That new Ciara song sounds like Devante produced it back in the 90's. I dig it. Wait, did I just say I liked a Ciara song? My hip hop pass is gonna get revoked.

What up, Z! Thanks for the email. Feel free to comment on the blog anytime.

I feel like a fuckin' hypocrite right about now. I'm doing stuff I said I would never do.

How many times are you gonna play that Jay-Z video? And that "Walk it Out" crap? Or that "Ballin' " mess?

Okay gotta go to the next interview. Get back on the grind. I'm out.

It was written...

M-I-A-Yo

Inspiration - "Hustlin" - Rick Ross - " Don't tote no twenty-twos, Magnum cost me twenty-two/Sat it on them twenty-twos, birds go for twenty-two/Lil' mama super thick, she say she twenty-two/She seen them twenty-twos, we in room two twenty-two/I touch work like I'm convertible Burt/I got distribution so I'm convertin' the work/In the M-I-A-Yo/them niggaz rich off that Yayo/Steady slangin' Yayo/ my Chevy bangin' Yayo "

What I'm Listening To - A Tribe Called Quest "The Low End Theory"

Question(s) I Asked Myself - "Why does it feel like I haven't posted in a month, even though its just 3 days?"

What's up fam? I know I been M.I.A. for a minute, but I had to get my mind right. See, your boy is now amongst the ranks of the unemployed. I can't tell you what happened because some of my former co workers are reading this, but I am no longer working for the 7th largest bank in the country. I'm simultaneously relieved and scared to death at the prospect of starting over. Part of me looks at this as an opportunity to get out of a job that I clearly hated, while the other part is not prepared to deal with the whole process of sending out resumes and interviewing. But that's what I'm doing. I spent most of the past few days on the internet searching for jobs using Monster, Career Builders and other sites. I have an interview tomorrow and two on Tuesday, but I don't know if these are the right fit for me. The uncertainty is what is getting me. I'd hate to settle on the first job that wants me, but I gotta pay the bills so I can't afford to be too picky for too long. Damn this living paycheck to paycheck. The timing was also less than ideal. I wish I wouldn't have gotten my car fixed right before this happened. I might have been able to be more selective. I wish I didn't have to divide my focus while Trish is still in the hospital right now. But what can I do? I gotta keep it moving and so I shall. Anyway, I just wanted to explain why I haven't been around; I have real life stuff to deal with. I'll try to keep you all posted on the progress.

It was written...

Think I'd Better Let It Go

Inspiration - "Love TKO" Teddy Pendergrass "Think I'd better let it go/Looks like another love T.K.O."

What I'm Listening To - WuTang Clan- "Enter The WuTang (36 Chambers)"

Question(s) I Asked Myself Today - "Is it wrong to call out from work right after I had 2 days of vacation?" I'm going to work, but I really don't want to.

I think I better let it go. It ain't a love TKO, but it's a friend TKO. One of the side effects of my doing nothing over the last couple of days has been excessive thinking. I'm the type that always has to have the TV or music going because if I don't my mind will obsess over things. While I was sitting around the last couple of days, I had some moments where my brain took over and I came to a realization of sorts. Some of the people that call themselves my friends are not truly my friends. It's a matter of convenience for them. KZ wrote about flakes the other day and I can see that some people in my life are the exact same way.

See, I'm a fiercely independant person. I never ask for anything, and rarely do I need emotional support either. But I'm human too. Every now and then, I need someone to talk to. I realized that I can talk to people on IM that I have met once or not at all in person and get more support than I can from people I see almost every day. Perhaps its my fault for not always sharing, but on those rare occasions when I do, is it too much to expect that my "friends" be there for me? I'll give you an example. I told all y'all about my car breaking down last week. I called a couple of friends and told them about it. I wasn't asking to borrow money or even for a ride anywhere, just wanted to tell them what was going on. I haven't heard back from them since. This was Saturday and it's now Wednesday. A phone call checking on me would have been nice. Hell, a text message if you didn't feel like talking. I mean, I'm there for them when they need to talk about their boyfriend that's messing up or if they need to hold $20 until payday, but I realize that the situation is not equitable. I'm always listening to their problems, or offering up my couch if you need a place to stay or my car if you need a ride. I'm not saying that to say I am an especially good friend, but some things go with the territory. I know I have my faults, but at the very least, my friends know they can count on me. I wish I could say the same for them.

So, I think I need to let it go. I'm not the best at making friends, but I think I could do better. I already have done much better on the internet. You guys are the most supportive and real group of friends I have had in a long time. It's time for me to go back into loner mode until I can get with some people that truly have my best interests at heart. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have got to cut some people out of my life. Forgive the rant, but this is what's on my mind. Can any of you relate?

It was written...