I Gotta Testify
What I'm Listening To - "The Low-End Theory" - A Tribe Called Quest
Question(s) I Asked Myself Today - "Where the hell did this post come from? I'm either nuts or I'm a fucking genius. I haven't decided yet."
Judge: In the case of the State of Blogdonia vs. Rashan Jamal Casanova, will the defense call its next witness.
Defense Attorney: The defense calls Rashan Jamal to the stand.
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Me: You damn right!
Judge: That is not appropriate, please say I do or I will.
Me: My bad, your honor. I was just trying to give it a little flavor…nah’mean? I do.
Judge: Please take the stand.
Defense attorney: Rashan, you have been charged with a heinous crime. How do you respond to your accusers?
Me: See, its like this. I try to follow the rules, but there’s something in me that just won’t allow it.
Defense attorney: Please elaborate for the jury.
Me: I try to live a virtuous life. I don’t kill, I don’t steal… anymore. And I don’t lie. But for some reason, trouble just seems to follow me.
Defense attorney: Are you referring to the charges that have been levied against you?
Me: I am. See no matter what I do, I can’t please everybody. There’s always gonna be some haters.
Defense attorney: Define haters? Is that one of those hip hop terms? I’m not quite sure the jury understands.
Me: Yeah, its kinda hip hop I guess. It derives from E 40, who coined the phrase playa hater. The meaning has been kinda bastardized now that grandmas, preachers and white people are using it.
Prosecutor: OBJECTION!!! The defendant is assuming facts not presented in evidence.
Judge: Objection Sustained! Please have Mr. Casanova’s generalizations struck from the record.
Me: My bad again, Your Honor. Let me continue. When I say haters, what I mean is that no matter what I do, some people are not going to be happy.
Defense Attorney: Tell the court what you mean.
Me: When I first started my blog, I wrote just for me. It was easy because nobody was reading it. Then when people found me, I felt the need to entertain.
Defense Attorney: I see, then what happened?
Me: Well, some people thought that I wasn’t dealing with any emotional issues. They said my blog was too superficial. I mean, I just wasn’t comfortable with it.
Defense Attorney: I see, these are the haters you were referring to?
Me: No, I wouldn’t call them haters, they were just trying to make my writing better.
Defense Attorney: So did you start to reveal more of yourself on your blog?
Me: I fought it for awhile, but eventually I did. Do you remember the story of my ex? I never would have written about that when I first started. It was way too personal.
Defense Attorney: That was indeed a breakthrough for you.
Prosecutor: OBJECTION! Opposing counsel is testifying.
Judge: Sustained. Please move on.
Defense Attorney: Mr. Casanova… please continue.
Me: Certainly. I have changed my writing style. I have tried to become a more well rounded blogger. I stopped avoiding male’s blogs, I put some of my writing out there, and most importantly, I started revealing emotions.
Defense Attorney: Tell me about that. How have people reacted?
Me: For the most part, they like it. A few people have misinterpreted my intentions and labeled me soft, but I don’t see it like that. The way I see it, I’m just being me. Sometimes, I’m a jerk, sometimes I’m sweet, and sometimes, I just don’t feel like being bothered. I hope “It Was Written” reflects the whole me.
Defense Attorney: Now on to the charges: You stand accused of being a big softie. Any truth to those charges?
Me: I vehemently deny that. If anything, I’m just a real person and I go through the ups and downs like everyone else.
Defense Attorney: Even you have to admit though, that you have lost some of your edge. What happened to the hateful, spiteful, sarcastic blogger that we used to know?
Me: He’s still here. Did you read my last post? I was sarcastic as hell in that post. The only difference is that is not the only side of me that I reveal now.
Defense Attorney: Thank you, Mr. Casanova.: No further questions. Your witness.
Prosecutor: Mr. Casanova, do you really think that the jury is buying this story that you are just “more well rounded?”
Me: They should. It’s the truth.
Prosecutor: I submit that you are a big softie! You are hardly ever mean anymore!
Defense Attorney: OBJECTION! Argumentative.
Judge: I’ll allow it. Please answer the question.
Me: I can be mean, but I just don’t choose to do it that often. I’ll give you an example. Last month, I gave my middle eastern co worker the nickname of Al-Qaeda. That was mean, wasn’t it? By the way, that wasn't really a question.
Prosecutor: Most people seem to think that you were just trying to be funny. You weren’t really trying to hurt his feelings.
Me: Regardless of that, I can be mean.
Prosecutor: Your writing is showing everybody just how much of a softie you are. I direct the jury’s attention to the morning of August 25th. Do you care to explain what that post was about?
Me: See, what had happened was… That post was for someone special. I was thinking these things and I just had to let them out.
Prosecutor: Don’t you think that post demonstrates just how much of a softie you are? You would have never done that when you first started.
Me: (hesitating) You are right. I can’t deny that seems out of character. But I don’t think that means that I am going soft. I’m just being a real person with real feelings.
Prosecutor: And then your next post. You told everyone your real name. Why would you do that?
Me: It’s like this. I don’t feel the need to hide behind a pseudonym anymore. The only reason I used the name T. Casanova was because I didn’t want people to find my blog. I don’t care about that anymore. I’m proud of it and if people find it, then so be it. I have nothing to hide.
Prosecutor: So you’re saying that has nothing to do with the fact that you are “losing your edge?”
Me: On the contrary, It’s because I am showing the real me. Hate it or love it, this is me. I like me, and if other people don’t then they don’t have to read. It’s been a slow process, but I am finally to the point that I am not worried about people’s reaction to me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a comment-whore and I still obsess over how many visits I get, but I am not afraid of a negative reaction anymore.
Prosecutor: One final question. What happened with you and that butterfli chick?
Me: (hesitating) I plead the fifth!
Prosecutor: Why can’t you tell the jury about that?
Me: See, you starting to piss me off. Move on, nigga!
Prosecutor: We heard testimony earlier from Mocha and Tenacious, and they both said that you were being too nice about the situation. Please tell the jury what happened.
Me: I don’t want to get into it. What’s done is done. No need to rehash that.
Prosecutor: See, you are too nice. I submit that you, Mr. Casanova, are a big softie. You had the perfect opportunity to be mean, and you didn’t take it. No further questions.
Me: …I’m is mean, dammit!!!
Prosecutor: (yelling) I SAID NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!!
Me: Wait, muhfucka!! I ain't finished!!!
Judge: Mr. Casanova, please step down from the witness stand
Me: (yelling) THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! I’M HARD! I’M FROM THE STREETS! I’M NOT A NICE GUY! I’M AN ASSHOLE! REALLY, I AM!!!
Judge: That’s for the jury to decide now, Mr. Casanova. Bailiff, escort this man out of the courtroom.
Judge: Now that the defendant is out of here, I want to address the jury. The charges are simple. Your duty is to decide whether Rashan Jamal aka T. Casanova is a big softie. The fundamental question is whether, “It Was Written” is getting weak as the prosecution claims or if T. is just showing more of his real personality as the defense claims. You new readers and lurkers should not be hesitant to express your opinions either. I leave it up to you to deliberate in the comments section.
It was written…